Holy Wrecking Ball

Today marks another step in the fertility process.  I went to visit Dr. Parker at St. Joe Fertility Care.  He trained under Dr. Hilgers in Omaha at the Pope Paul VI Institute and is also a practicing Catholic.  He answered a few questions I had and the journey continues.  First, I am still waiting for a surgery date in Omaha.  My original paperwork was sent at the end of October.  My doctor told me it would be 4 weeks, usually less to hear back from them after they had reviewed my surgery notes and video.  So I waited.  I didn't hear anything after 4 weeks so I called Omaha.  They didn't have my paperwork.  Somehow something got lost along the way.  So my doctor resent my information.  That brings us to another 4 weeks and still no response.  I left a message on Monday and have not had a return phone call. 

I went to Dr. Parker to see if he could take a look at my blood test and tell me if I had indeed been ovulating.  I wanted to see if I could do the ultrasounds that would help determine the timing of ovulation.  He explained that I probably need another hyphercation, perhaps two because my charts have not improved.  Once I have that, it will help me to determine my peak day which will help with determining ovulation.  He also suggested an anti-inflammatory diet: no red meat, no gluten and no dairy.  Nice.  He'd like to do my Endo surgery, but sadly, he is out of my insurance network. 

I love how this office is flooded with photographs of every other couple on the planet that has had a newborn.  Babies here, there and everywhere!  Thank you for the gentle reminder that I don't have any babies and my body creates a giant web of tissue inside my abdomen every month that continues to prevent conception. 

Now for the adoption process.  This has been a tough subject in our household.  My husband is still in school completing his Bachelor's degree.  After several discussions, it was decided that we would wait until June to further pursue adoption.  Mainly because we don't have $30,000.  He will complete his degree in December 2014.  This truly crushed my hope as I had been so excited to start this process. 

This Christmas season brought a giant wrecking ball instead of holiday cheer.  I usually break out every Christmas decoration I have in my giant tubs in the basement the day after Thanksgiving.  I love to decorate for Christmas.  It makes my house feel warm and I remember my grandmother at this time of year so fondly.  But, I'm still looking at pumpkins and ghosts on the mantle.  Somehow I ran out of time or got behind or both or something else.  I don't really know.  I was also just mad, angry and numb all at the same time.  For the first time in my conversion, I felt dark and alone.  As though God had left me.  I didn't even want to go to mass. 

I went on a retreat to a convent of Dominican Sisters in Ann Arbor at the beginning of December.  A friend said that it was the best retreat she had been on and that it really helped her through some fertility struggles.  I love retreats, even though I have only been on a few.  I signed up for it in July and was so excited to attend.  When I arrived, I instantly did not want to be there.  I was in a strange place and only knew one person and I had no clue what we would be doing on this retreat.  I wanted to run away.

The sisters, however are the happiest people I have ever met in my life.  They were warm and so kind to everyone.  Of course you meet new people and they ask how many kids you have.  Zero.  I did meet a few women that were having similar struggles.  I met other women that had had several miscarriages.  Others had one child and were left in confusion as to why they couldn't conceive again.  And others had their babies with them.  Even more were pregnant.  So there I was at this beautiful retreat all cramped with anger.

They gave you a slip of paper on the first day and you were to pray about why this paper chose you.  I had Mary, Queen of the Apostles.  I still don't know why I was given Mary, Queen of the Apostles.  I have some thoughts, but nothing concrete.  At the end of the retreat, you could stand in front of everyone and talk about your weekend experience and your Mary paper.  While I refrained from this, most women did venture up to the microphone.  One beautiful woman said, "I want to feel hope again.  I miss that feeling."  That struck me and I remember it vividly.  I had to leave, however when one woman spoke about her two beautiful boys and her struggles with conceiving after them.  She did everything the Catholic way (like it was a bad thing) and still nothing.  So she adopted and life was so brilliantly perfect.  I was done.  I'm so happy life works out splendidly for others.  Look!  She had babies AND adopted, too!  Oh lucky her!

Yes.  I had a tantrum.  No I really didn't care at that point.  I was tired.  Really just tired of whatever God's plan was for me.  I didn't care if He thought it was great and grand I was beyond tired of waiting, and charting and smiling for those that are expecting, and charting the same mucus day after day.  I was losing any ounce of hope I might still have.  I wanted to give up on the idea of motherhood.  Why should I keep hoping for something that perhaps I needed to accept wasn't going to happen?  That is crazy, right?  To keep hoping for the impossible?

A good friend told me she was so proud of me because I am a holy woman.  I do not feel holy.  I feel like a f&5*ing wrecking ball.  A big fat failure.  Or perhaps like a 5 year old that still isn't getting what she wants.

Fertility is a funny thing.  It consumes you.  It controls you.  It takes over your marriage.  It strips you.  When we really, really want something today, we go get it.  At least we are led to believe we can have anything with a Mastercard and a signature.  At the age of 4, I wanted a Snoopy telephone from Tepe's catalog store.  My parents thought I was strange.  I asked for it for Christmas and my birthday.  No phone.  So I saved up my money.  I bought that Snoopy phone and talked for hours.  It was never plugged into a jack.  (I might add that my current job leads me to talk on the phone for over 4000 minutes a month)  The point is, I wanted something.  I worked for it.  I GOT IT. 

A stranger came up to me at this retreat.  I had never met this woman before.  She put her arm around me and said, "I have a message for you.  Jesus wants you to know that you will get your baby. Sometime after Christmas. He just wants you to desire him more, to be closer to Him."  Oh really.  How does she know my relationship with Jesus?  I pray to be closer to Him every day!  I love Jesus!  I do!

No you don't.  You love a baby right now.  That's all you care about.  That's all you want.  You are letting this consume your life, your marriage, your heart.  Let me consume your heart.

So I went to midnight mass with not so much Christmas joy in my heart.  I kept wanting it to be over.  And then Father John gave a homily that touched me.  I realized that it WAS Christmas.  Jesus, our king was born.  He was and IS our hope.  I noticed a girl in the front row dressed as a man.  She wasn't singing and kept rolling her eyes.  I kept thinking how wonderful it was for her to be there.  Did she even know how amazing it is to simply be at mass?  I was so happy to just be at mass, in my loving parish home, that I forgot all my stupid selfishness and couldn't stop smiling.  What joy came over me!

Sister Joseph told us at the retreat that God put each of us here on Earth for something that only we can do.  So simple, yet profound.  And I keep thinking that as soon as I know what that one thing is, I will be instantly happy and fulfilled.  Because as soon as I know, I will perfect it. (That's as much as I know)

God doesn't ask us to be successful, just faithful.  I don't feel like much of either some days.  At first glance, my wrecking ball just kept smashing things.  My chest even hurt.  Then I realized that I needed that wrecking ball to break ME.  I may not be a holy woman, but I desire to be.  I'm not a mother yet, but I desire to be.  As much as I want to abandon this hope, I can not.  On that baby gaga wall, I spotted my god daughter, Grace.  Every time I see her, I tell her how beautiful she is.  As I struggled to get pregnant, my best friend shared as much as she could with me with Grace, her fifth baby.  I listened to her heart beat on the monitor that filled the room and saw her come into this world; the miracle that God created.  

I still feel like a wrecking ball.  But Lent is coming.  The perfect time to bring me softly to my knees so that I CAN be closer to Christ.  So I can let go of those things I so deeply desire and allow Jesus to show me His plan.  He has given me so much already that I tend to forget.  I'm so blessed with loving parents, a caring husband and a parish family that accepts me as another gently, broken sinner that I continue to be.

Mary, Queen of the Apostles chose me because I still need to obey.  Like the Apostles, I don't know what I'm doing.  I just love Jesus Christ and know He is the truth.  Being faithful is hard.  Being Catholic is hard.  But I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I'm a liar

So today seems like any normal day in the land of dreaming for babies and all the other things I do not currently have in my life.  Yesterday we visited a different adoption agency in Indianapolis.  Everything that was missing in our first agency (like finding birth mothers) was definitely positive and professional with this agency, Adoption Support Network.  However, it comes at a premium price.  The minimum cost is $17,000.  Jon and I don't have this much liquid cash.  So we start on the list for grants and loans and see what we can make happen.  The average waiting time is 5 months.

This agency heavily promotes open adoption; something I am not familiar with at all.  They played a video in which the owner discusses her daughter, Lauren that was adopted in the mid eighties and had a closed adoption.  In her later teens she met her birth mother and simply had questions about her life such as eye color, past relationships and the big question of why she chose adoption for her.  She said that she finally felt that the hole in her heart was closed simply because she could meet her birth mother and father.  She didn't have a strong relationship with her birth parents, but she was able to reach out to them when she felt called.  

This really brought a surge of emotions over me.  All my life I desired to just meet my birth parents.  I wanted to see them.  To hear their voices and see whose nose I had.  I wanted to see pictures of their lives and learn what they liked to do for fun.  I didn't want a replacement parent or another parent, I just wanted to know the two people that came together to give me life.  When I turned 21, I attempted to search for my birth mother and after one year my social worker from Catholic Charities called me.  She stated that she had finally found her and that unfortunately, she was not ready to meet me.  Somehow, a mention of a letter from my birth father was in my file, but I could not have access to it.  My next birthday, my father gave me the gift of a petition in court to open my file to read this letter.  It was denied.  All the rights in Indiana protect the identity of the birth mother.  I learned I had no legal right to know these two people.  In all my interactions with others when I tell them I am adopted, they ask me the same question, "Have you ever met your birth mother?"  

So in this whole adoption journey with Jon and I, we were both at the agreement of a closed adoption.  We didn't want to co-parent with anyone.  We didn't want our child to be snuggied by a random stranger a few times a year.  We wanted this baby to just be ours.  What I learned yesterday is that a baby given to us through adoption is a baby given to us by God.  These are my own fears that hold me back.  I suddenly realized that what if I could give my adopted child the answers to all of my questions?  Would I not want this for myself?  How could I deny this curiosity that will surely never leave me.

Sometimes when I think about it, it has been nearly 14 years since I searched for my birth mother.  I would tell myself every birthday that at least on that day, she and I are thinking of one another together.  I would tell myself I have accepted the fact that I will never meet her and I don't need to know where I came from to complete my life in anyway.  Well, I lied.  I DO want to meet her.  I do feel I'm missing out on something.  I just don't want to know them, I want them to know me; to see me, to touch me to ask me about my beautiful life, to see my parents and the joy that they gave them.  I want them to see that they created a family.  I don't want them to be ashamed of anything.  I want them to know that they chose a great path not only for me but for themselves.  I was raised by a mother and a father and later a step father.  I had what every child deserves.

My heart converted once again to something I just wasn't prepared.  I know my idea of the perfect family may not be what I receive.  Faithfully, it is God's plan and he knows His plan for me far better than what I can only imagine.

I might be lying when I say I'm doing okay or fine or happy that I'm still in the same place as a few months ago.   I have a giant spider web growing inside of me that sends a silent signal to my body that says "Do not get pregnant!" and I am still waiting on plans for another surgery.  Am I hopeful?  Absolutely.  Do I know what I'm hoping for?  Not really.  I just want to be a wife and a mother and joyfully serve Jesus Christ as humbly as I can.  Jesus.  I trust in YOU.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  

So we do not lose heart. 

Though our outer self is wasting away, 

our inner self is being renewed day by day. 

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us 

an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 

as we look not to the things that are seen 

but to the things that are unseen. 

For the things that are seen are transient, 

but the things that are unseen are eternal.

The morning after...

After a few months of planning, I finally had the exploratory surgery to help discover why I am not conceiving.  Yesterday, we traveled to Ft. Wayne, about 2 hours from my home to Parkview Medical Center.  The hospital and staff were beyond kind, helpful and very professional.  I would highly recommend this hospital to anyone.  My surgery was scheduled for 1 pm, which meant an arrival time of 11 am.  However, I waited an additional 5 hours due to an OR delay.  My husband, who once insisted he was not religious and really not interested in praying, grabbed my hand and prayed so eloquently.  He also waited these 5 hours, along with my mom and neither of them ate any food because they didn't want to leave me.  Finally as the day came to an end, they wheeled me back into the operating room.

The last thing I remember before falling asleep was moving onto the tiny operating table.  I awoke in the recovery room with Dr. Stroud there handing me a rosary.  He told me that my diagnosis was severe endometriosis.  He was not able to treat it and felt that sending me to the John Paul Institute in Omaha, Nebraska would be the best option for me.  There, a doctor has been treating this for 30 years.

He told me that he did not want to take the chance of harming any of my organs.  The endometriosis is behind my uterus and bowels.  However, my ovaries, fallopian tubes and every other abdominal organ are perfectly healthy.  The inside of my uterus had 2 small polyps, which he removed, but said was otherwise in perfect condition.  This perfect state along with zero symptoms of any severe pain he says has to be a miracle.  He was very shocked at the healthy state of everything.

I definitely cried when I heard the news.  Mostly from fear of the unknown as this disease seems so unclear and doesn't seem to follow any certain rules.  Some women get pregnant without problems yet others don't.  Some suffer monthly from excruciating pain.  Endometriosis does not have a cure and no specific causation has been proven, though many doctors believe it is something with which you are born.

With all of this news, I'm exhausted.  I still have hope of becoming a mother. My husband holds my hand and tells me that he is very hopefully and we will get through this.   How blessed I have been to not have pain and to have healthy reproductive organs.  This makes me wonder if my own birth mother had this disease and was utterly surprised when she became pregnant.

I can either cry about this all day or be thankful that God has given me the many blessings of my life.  He is not done with me yet.  I have a cross to bear and perhaps I can share my journey and touch one other life, just one other girl like me who might feel hopeless in her plight for motherhood.  With trust in Jesus, His plan for me is better than my own.  His plan will lead me to Him.

So here I sit, the morning after, wondering what step to take.  I couldn't sleep much because last night I was overfilled with joy and love for my friends and family.  I wanted to tell them all that I am thankful for all their continued prayers and their kindness and love for me.  I may be exhausted, but I am armed with hope.

Dear Birth Mother

Dear Birth Mother,

I want to first thank you so much for taking the time to read our story.   I am more than grateful for my own life as my birth mother chose my parents as my own 34 years ago.  I can not imagine the array of emotions that you must be feeling.  I can not honestly tell you what sets us apart from the thousands of other hopeful adopting parents.  We all can give your baby abundant love.  We can all give your baby material things.  We all desire the unconditional love from a bond between parent and child.

I was raised in the Mishawaka area by amazing, loving parents that are still alive today and have created a great family.  My parents adopted my younger brother Chad three years later and we were a middle class family, traveling on vacations and riding bikes around the neighborhood.  I had great relationships with my cousins and extended family members.  Six years ago, I lost my dearest grandmother to cancer and I miss her dearly.  I talk to my mom daily and my dad several times a week.  They told me early in my childhood that I was adopted and never treated me any differently.  I was loved beyond measure because my own mother could not have children of her own.  My parents waited nine years to become parents.  My father was a career policeman and my mother a stay at home mom.  She had fresh baked sweet nothings almost every day and she was always happy to see me when I got home from school.  They taught me to believe in myself and always achieve my dreams.  I started a part time job at a young age, worked through college with several part time jobs and graduated with honors. 

I became a Bilingual Kindergarten teacher after college in Houston, Texas, one of the poorest areas in the country.  I committed two years of my life to my students and was beyond blessed with their love and devotion to me!  They will soon be graduating high school and I couldn’t be more proud.  I am currently a medical device representative with a flexible schedule.  I hope to one day also be a stay at home mother to my family.

I met Jon Michael 5 years ago and we married on November 5, 2008.  We started our marriage with several misconceptions, but we are stronger and devoted to one another and our family.   He is my best friend, the person I want to share my greatest news with before anyone else.  He makes me feel safe and special.  I do not claim to have a perfect marriage, but as I am about to tell you, with our faith we will always be a family.

Jon and I are Catholics, he was born into the faith and I converted a year ago.  I grew up without any faith my entire life.  Two years ago, I embarked on a journey that led both of us to a beautiful and blessed life.  We have a community of supportive, loving, caring friends.  As I learned about my own fertility, I became even more devoted to my faith.  Your child will have a private education and since Jon is a wounded veteran of a foreign war, your child’s college is completely paid in full.

As Catholics, we do not believe in contraception, abortion or artificial creation.  Our marriage is a sacrament and within it, we hope to create life.  For the last two years we have been tracking my cycles and seeing an amazing doctor.  At this point, everything about my health is normal and he is not sure why I am not conceiving. 

Every night at dinner, we pray together.  We pray for a little buddy, as we call our future child.  I have accepted that I cannot explain all things.  I cannot expect answers for the desires of my heart that are not met.   Jon and I believe that we are meant to adopt a child to begin our family.  We will love and raise your child as our own and always will he know how blessed he is with the gift of his life that you gave to him. 

I suppose the only thing greater that I desire than my own motherhood, is for my mom to become a grandmother.  I have been her greatest joy since I was laid in her arms and I am beyond blessed to be her daughter. 

I have never been able to meet my birth mother.  I attempted twice, to which both times she stated she was not ready to meet me.  Since I have not been able to speak these words to her, I will place them on your heart.

Thank you for choosing my life; for having the courage to accept that your gift from God was to be shared with another.  You gave my mother the one thing she could never give herself.  You created a family.  You made parents of two hopeful people that longed so deeply to hold and raise a child.  I even look like my mother and I was probably spoiled as a child J  She taught me above all things to be kind, thoughtful and giving to others.  While I definitely have my faults, I always strive to be more like her every day.   For every moment that you think of me, think of my mother and how full her heart is with love and joy, for she could never have become my mother, without you.

That is how I am different from all other hopeful mothers.  I know first hand what it is like to live as an adopted child.  I believe in honesty above all things.  I am at your mercy, praying that you will entrust your child to my husband and myself to love as our own.  As a Christian first, please let me tell you that I do not claim to be all knowing or better than anyone else.  I am a sinner first and foremost.  Every day I pray to be less selfish, more giving and more devoted to Christ.  We will raise our children to be the same; to love others, accept them as they are and learn to grow in their faith.  I know that without the power of prayer, I would not be here today.  Someone prayed for me long before I was born and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Jon and I are pretty simple.  We enjoy cooking, spending time with our dogs, walking, watching movies, traveling for vacations (we have been to England, Hawaii, Mackinac Island) helping our parish, reading, restoring classic cars and furniture, art work and photography and hosting gatherings at our home.  We love to share our lives with others.

I hope this best depicts our life to you.  We are a hopeful couple, waiting for a birth mother, such as yourself to feel on her heart to bring us to parenthood.

I most graciously thank you with all my heart,

Heidi

How fat are you?

Well, today started with a first for me!  With a rosary in my pocket, I took a giant leap and had my wisdom teeth ripped out of my mouth under anesthia.  I have never had a surgery before or let alone any drug stronger than Tylenol with Coedine.  So, after a week and a half of pain, I took the plunge.
This is a big deal for me, because it was me letting go of control!  I didn't want to take the risk of losing taste and sensation on the left side of my tongue and face, but I risked losing the molar in front of the sideways wisdom impacted tooth.  Sigh.  Ugh. Blah.

So what does this have to do with faith and my baby making journey?  TONS!  My cycle started last Friday and I needed to call my OBGYN to schedule my procedure to investigate what is going on in my baby making womb.  Well, considering my mouth was a hot mess, I had to take care of that first.  So that is pushed back to August or September.  More waiting.  I desperately want to know what's going on in that crazy uterus.   More blind faith in God's plan.  But can I do it without a temper tantrum?

Today also Jon and I had a Skype conversation with Mary, our adoption coordinator from Minnesota.  It didn't go as planned because the video didn't work, but it was still a continued step.  We meet with another social worker next week to get the final approval to begin the home study.  And then the wait begins for a birth mother to accept the call to choose US as parents of her beloved child. Small Sigh but with great faith and hope!

This past week, I met a new nurse practitioner.  We started discussing pain patients (my company) and then we made our way to mission trips in Africa.  It turns out she is a missionary Christian and has been to Africa 6 times.  She said something very profound to me.  "After the last mission trip, I realized there are too many Fat Christians.  We don't need to build up one another.  We need to spread the Gospel to the hungry."  She was frustrated because here on these missions where Christian churches stand in African communities, modern amenities such as running water and electricity are sparse.  However, one community made provisions so that their pastor could have a computer.  Just the pastor.  His congregation wasn't just starving for electricity and food, but most importantly a leader that exemplifies Christ.

This got me thinking.  I'm pretty fat.  I need to be more charitable.  While I have worked hard for everything I own, I simply haven't been as charitable I could be.  Sometimes, I worry too much about what is right and though I want to stand up and LIVE a Catholic life, I can't get others to follow by telling them right vs. wrong.

While this woman isn't Catholic, she made an excellent point essential for sainthood.  Every single one of us is called to sainthood.  We can't get there with our fat selves.  Disclaimer* This really doesn't have anything to do with weight, unless we have an addiction to food that prevents us from holiness!  

So, I'm asking for help to challenge myself to get skinny and feed those that are starving for hope, love and fellowship.  Those that have no idea that Christ is the answer and center to our desires.

At mass this week, Jon and I sat in a front pew, which helps me focus and block out any distractions.  Father John gave a nice homily and asked the parish to pray for couples desiring to have a child.  He said that within a year, these couples would be blessed with their own baby.  I had to cry because I felt as though it was very appropriate for Jon and I.  The beginning of the mass, I thought of Father Dan and how much I miss him still!  But here before me is a great priest with comforting words!

As the gathering space cleared out after mass, Father Jon found me and pulled me aside.  He asked to speak to me in private.  He took my hand and said, "As we said the Gloria, my eyes found you and Jon.  I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to pray for you.  Then, as I said the homily, the Holy Spirit gave me the words to say.  Jesus wants you to know that whatever is consuming you with worry, that you need not worry.  It will be okay.  Continue to cling to him.  And I want you to know, I pray for you and Jon every day.  Every single day."

I continue to be in awe of the grace and blessings that God sends me through these amazing priests.  Father Jon had no idea of my struggles.  I did tell him about my wisdom teeth, but he didn't know about my fertility issues.  How very blessed am I with this humble priest from Africa that has only been with us for less than a month.

I pray he will show me even more how to become a more charitable Christian.  This fertility journey is a challenge.  This adoption journey is a challenge and both will continue to be greater challenges.  Neither will be easy.  I know this.  It can bring fear. But instead of indulging in fear, Christ calls me to cling to Him and love Him more deeply.   I am ever so grateful for my parish family.  They pray for me, for our future family and they love me dearly.  I pray to love them in return tenfold.  I pray to strip myself of my fatty selfishness and love more.  Give more.  Pray more.  Do more as a servant of Jesus Christ.  I don't need to tell others how to be better Catholics.  I just need to be one.

Adoption, Crime Scene in my Pants, & Baby Frenzy

What a whirlwind these past few weeks have been!  And here I sit with so much to say to so many different friends!  Perhaps I should start with scripture.  "Delight yourself in Me, for I am the deepest Desire of your heart." Psalm 37:4 (Jesus Calling)

When we truly search for what lies in our hearts, we find what we love and to what we are called.  As a wise friend told me, God gives us all free will, which makes us human.  In our struggle to do what we desire and what He wills us to do, is a cloud that hopefully becomes translucent through prayer, guidance, wisdom and love.

I used to love roller coasters as a teenager.  My favorite was the Gemini at Cedar Point.  Two coasters, one red, one blue race on a wooden track.  One year, we simply didn't get off and keep riding again and again.  We even got to speak on the intercom.  "WELCOME BACK GEMINI RIDERS! WE ARE GOING TO TAKE YOU UP 40 FEET AND THEN DROP YOU DOWN TO THE GROUND!"  Well, that's what I feel like I'm riding.  Except, I'm not waving my hands in the air and laughing hysterically.  I'm gripping the handle bars to release me from the ride.

I'm still examining toilet paper.  I'm still charting my cycles.  My beloved priest, aka spiritual father, Father Dan transfers to Ft. Wayne.  I see white dancing babies almost every day, which makes it very difficult to determine when I am truly fertile.  A niece of mine, a senior in high school is pregnant.  My insurance will not approve Clomid (so I can stimulate ovulation).  My cycle came early this month and I couldn't get in for my procedure. Our power was out for 3 days.  Two friends and a cousin are pregnant again and they are graciously sensitive of my feelings.  I have had the worst year in my sales job in my entire 8 year career.   And we completed a semen analysis test - the Catholic way.  $12.95 condom with poked holes and a trip on the toll road to South Bend Medical Foundation.  I handed the girl behind the desk my brown paper bag, marked SPECIAL.  It was very special indeed!  Jon's fertility is above average.  Which leaves the fertility issue to completely me.  I praised Jesus that this cross be mine to bear.

We had our first appointment at the adoption agency, Holy Family.  This was the third time I had spoken with them, but our first official meeting.  Their office is in South Bend at the Life Center.  Right next to the only abortion clinic left in South Bend.  When I arrived at the building, I noticed a woman sitting in a lawn chair with an umbrella to keep the sun off her.  She wore an apron that stated, "PRO CHOICE ESCORT."  I felt anxious suddenly and searched for my rosary in my center console.  I couldn't find it.  Did this woman know what she was supporting?  Was she harassing my sisters in Christ as they attempted to defend with their whole hearts the lives of the most vulnerable?  Perhaps she herself has a wounded heart.  But how, I wonder can we adopt a baby with this "escort" lounging in her chair?

4.  That's how many babies were adopted last year with this agency in Minnesota.  Four families came together!  Why is it that pregnant teens keep their babies?  Why is it that abortion is an option?

What stirs in my heart is a voice.  A voice that screams to be heard by every living being.  We are all called to love and be loved in return.  God gives the gift of life to some women, not for them to hold on to, but for them to give their gift to others.

Adoption is a beautiful creation of families.  Throughout history, it definitely has had its issues and thorns.  Birth mothers were at one time forced to leave their babies.  Babies were sold illegally.  Over the years with proper legal channels and better options for birth families such as open adoptions, it has become a lifesaver.  But now, adoption is dying.  Its silent but deadly killers are 1. Abortion and 2. Passive Society.  We have become a society that is afraid to speak from our deepest desires and beliefs.  It may be what we believe, but we don't want to push our beliefs on others for fear of offending anyone.  Ladies and gentlemen, we are being called to SPEAK the TRUTH!  The only way to break this cycle and help our children have great, healthy lives is to make that change.  Adoption ensures that every child will have the opportunity to have a mother and a father.  Adoption is a SELFLESS act of love.  It is the greatest act of love from the deepest courage any mother can give to her child.

As an adopted child, I LOVE my parents more than anything God has ever given me.  I was spoiled, I was loved, I was happy.  I was given a chance.  I had special birthday parties and a toy room.  I had an education, dental insurance, braces and piano lessons.  I had Christmas mornings with my mom, dad and brother.  But most importantly, above anything else, my mother and father had children.  They have overflowing photo albums of baby moments with trips to the zoo and snowmen building.  My mother became what she so longed to be, but couldn't create for herself.

My mom called me tonight to just say she loves me.  She cried profusely at my wedding and even though my parents divorced, they danced together at my wedding.  All of these moments were made possible by adoption.   Because one woman had the courage and the faith to give her precious gift to my parents.

This is what my heart desires, not only for myself, but for all of those hopeful, waiting parents.  We are called to share the desires of our hearts.

From Pope John Paul II, The Mystery of Faith, "What more could Jesus have done for us? Truly, in the Eucharist, he shows us a love which goes to the end (John 13:1), a love which knows no measure."

Please do not ever be sad for me or worried that I will break down and cry because someone else is pregnant.  Yes, I have my tantrums and breakdowns.  I'm human and a sinner.  But at every new pregnancy and birth announcement, I kneel deeper to our one true King.  Instead of praying for me, pray for all the mothers to be, expecting life and giving life.  For this is what my heart so deeply desires.

I decided to start a blog to hopefully help others who are struggling to understand their fertility and the current social norms on having babies, getting pregnant, and most importantly how my religion is the center of all my decisions.  First and foremost, I am Catholic.  Not cafeteria Catholic.  Not a twice a year Catholic.  I converted in 2012, with my whole heart and truly have never been happier.  I do not claim to know everything about my faith as I am still a young Catholic, but most eager to learn.  I was not raised Catholic and this can be a challenge sometimes when I explain why I have not and will not partake in certain medical procedures.

The biggest misconception is that we as humans are entitled to babies.  We are not.  Babies are a gift from God, perhaps one of the most rejected gifts He offers us.  While my religion has taught me this, let me state, that I have serious temper tantrums over this, because I really, really, want a child.  I want to be a mother.  I want to have a family.  I want to be a grandmother.  I want.  I want.  I want.

I recently turned 34.  Many say that I have plenty of time.  My husband and I have been married for 4.5 years.  While our road has been joyous and rocky, we foolishly thought we could control this whole baby thing.  We thought we could control so many things about our lives.

So, to start at the beginning, when we first stopped using contraception (before my conversion) I naively thought, hold on!  Conception will happen!  Get ready for baby!  Ready.  Set.  GO!  Or maybe not so fast.  I tracked my cycles with an ipad app.  Nothing happened for months.  My doctor said I was fine, though no testing was ever done.  "We like to wait a year after marriage to start the tests," she told me.  Meanwhile, friends have babies.  Friends have second babies.  Movie stars have babies.  We wait.

Then I attended a Christ Renews His Parish retreat and my life completely changed.  A new friend suggested I try Natural Family Planning (NFP).  The Creighton Model to be exact.  NOT the Rhythm Method, which is NOT effective and NOT based on SCIENCE.  The Creighton Model is absolutely based on science.  My husband and I go to an intro session at a local Catholic grade school.  Admist little chairs and the smell of old socks we learned more about conception and my body than ever before.  Let's start charting!

Creighton uses a woman's cervical mucus to identify her fertility.  It works. However, it is user dependent.   I get frustrated with it, but I believe in my heart it is the best thing for me.  Every time before and after I go to the bathroom I take a strip of toilet paper and examine what I see and feel.  Then I record this on a chart and place colored stickers to identify peak days (right before ovulation) and everything before and after.  Save the yucky comments, as it really isn't all that bad.

In November, I met Suzy Younger who in a few visits, gave me great hope.  She prays with us and is more than just a practitioner.   She is simply amazing and a gift from God Himself.  Several of my friends were also practicing this model.  Some were trying to conceive, others were trying to avoid pregnancy.  The most important thing about NFP is that it allows you to accept your fertility and that of your spouse.  You are not rejecting each other!  Suzy gives talks in the area and helps educate everyone on NFP, NaPro technology and our faith.  St. Joseph Fertility Care is truly a blessing to have in this area.

In January, Suzy suggested we see a doctor to discuss my chart as we were not conceiving.  She gave me the number for Dr. Stroud, an ObGyn that recently converted his practice to align entirely with Catholic teaching.  Words simply can't describe how amazing this man is!  We saw him in February in an office that made me feel safe and comfortable.  He spent two hours with us.  He examined me and took blood samples.  He instilled both of us with an overwhelming sense of hope.

My first issue was my super prominent cervical eversion.  Yup.  What should look like a circle actually is the shape of a U.  This causes the body to produce additional mucus for protection of the cervix that is exposed.  Let me rewind a bit.  For contraception to happen, sperm must have a clear pathway with good mucus to help them swim upward.   The extra mucus my cervix was creating was not helping sperm make their merry way to the tiny golden egg.  Some women will have this condition after having several children.  Not me!  I had a record eversion that I was simply born with.  We attempted to correct this with medication.

My blood tests showed normal hormonal levels and had shown ovulation.  Two good things.  So, we return to charting.  Sex and charting.  Every month, my cycle started again.  After two years of trying, which I know doesn't sound really all that long, I stopped crying every month when my period started.

I prayed to have a child.   I prayed to Mary.  I prayed to St. Giana.  I went to confession and poured my heart out that I am jealous of those 16 year old pregnant girls registering at Target for baby cribs and onesies.  I'm angry that God doesn't see me worthy of motherhood.  Then I am ashamed that I'm the crazy mean lady at Target that glares at those 16 year olds.

Every night at dinner, my husband leads the prayer and he prays for us to have a little buddy.  Our friends pray for us and keep us in their hearts.  Our priest, the most humble Father Dan, guides me in my spiritual life.  "You are being called to motherhood in our parish in so many ways.  God isn't finished with you..."  (He's on his way to sainthood by the way)

I have so much more to fill in between the lines.  But at this moment, I am most in awe of the Holy Spirit because through all of this He has brought us through this journey with love, patience and gratitude.  After we met with Suzy last week for a chart update appointment, she told us of a new adoption agency in town.

Right next to the abortion clinic sits a building in transformation.  An adoration chapel.  Right for Life.  Counseling.  And now an adoption agency.  They are very small and from Minnesota.  They adopt only to couples that will raise the child Catholic.  They adopt babies saved from abortion.  I send an email to the agency expressing interest for information on their process.  A few days later, a woman calls me.  She was worried about finding potential parents.  We spoke for over 40 minutes and I knew this was the next step in our journey.

I told this woman about my sins of jealousy and she said something so remarkable to me.  She mentioned a time when she was struggling with something and her priest said to her to pray in adoration.  When we struggle with not getting what we so desperately want, Jesus is calling to us, "Am I not enough for you?"

I no longer believe that God finds me unworthy of motherhood.  His plan for me is better than my own.  He has great plans for me.  Jesus IS enough for me and without Him, I am nothing.

Beyond all of our struggles and being surrounded by everyone pregnant but me (or so it seems) I try to best explain my faith and why I simply don't believe in certain procedures.  Here is something Suzy greatly helped me with.  Because several people tell me daily that having a baby today has become easier with so many options, or to just stop thinking about it and it will happen.

"Thank you so much for your kind offer. It means a lot to know that you care and would be willing to do that for me.  However, we very much want that any child we conceive be brought into being through the marital embrace without a third party involved.  This is in keeping with our faith and our personal beliefs.  We will do anything we can to heal/restore our health and to assist the marital act, but we will not do anything that replaces it. With this in mind, we will not be pursuing options such as IVF, surrogacy, donors, IUIs, GIFT, etc.  But I do want to tell you that we've found a fantastic options.  It's called NaProTechnology and the success rates are up to 80% in the first year, which is nearly three times more effective than IVF.  We are very hopeful and excited.  So, as I said in the beginning, THANK YOU so much for being so kind and for reaching out to me.  It really means a lot.  And as far as helping...please keep us in your prayers as well as those that are providing our medical care.  P.S.  If you want to learn more about Catholic teaching on this, there is a great document called Life-Giving Love in the Age of Technology.  Blessings!"

Our next step in this journey has brought me to a possible procedure to either rule out or treat endometriosis.  We have an appointment with the adoption agency next week.  Keep in mind, our lives have to be dissected, our home examined and our potential for parenthood approved by a stranger.  At every moment, we are at someone else's mercy.  And quite possibly, I sincerely hope we are the answer to a young birth mother's prayers.