Gemini Riders!

"...We are going to take you up 500 feet (or something really high).  Please keep your hands and feet inside the carts at all times!  Enjoy your ride!"

Ever been on that ride at Cedar Point with the blue and red carts that race?  That's my favorite.  My friends and I rode that roller coaster again and again on a slow day, throwing our arms up and racing the opposite cart.  Back when life wasn't so fast and overfilling with responsibilities, health insurance and retirement planning.  After a few months of standing in line for the roller coaster of our life, we stepped to the front of the line and buckled in with joy and fear splattered across our faces.  Here we go.

A birth mom chose us on a Tuesday morning when life didn't seem too demanding or exciting.  The race quickly began and we found ourselves making tough decisions in a short amount of time.  Let's call her "N" for short.  She was thought to be having twins, but that wasn't the case.  She is having a boy!  And chose us.

But you are a chosen race, a kingdom of priests, a holy nation, a people to be a personal possession to sing the praises of God who called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light. 1Peter 2:9

Finally out of darkness with beautiful shimmers of light with the promise from one mom to another, we moved from hopeful parents to expecting parents.  Adoption suddenly became real instead of simply abstract.  With cautious steps to guard our hearts, we must tell our family and friends this great news!  Its real!  So the following Sunday at mass, we were enveloped with overabundant joy for our awaited prayers.  How amazingly sweet is our God that showers us with love from our parish family? Something that once seemed unobtainable will sneak up quickly and transform our lives into something we could never have imagined.  With twists and turns and upside down flips, we continue on the adoption journey.

When I had heard N chose me to become a mother, I cried.  A complete stranger created a dream come true for me.  Wow!  She doesn't even know me.  I just look good on paper.  I'm ashamed because I doubted God's plan and thought this day would never happen.  That's an amazing gift to share with someone, anyone, especially someone you have never even met.  People ask many questions about N, her situation, the baby, her health and lifestyle choices, but honestly it doesn't really matter.  Two things matter.  She chose LIFE.  She chose us.  The baby is healthy and due on November 20.  Life isn't happy because perfect swooped in and sprinkled perfect magic dust all around the edges.  N has made one of the most difficult choices a single person can make.  She accepted that what her baby needs is something more than she can give him at this time in her life.  

Some people will tell me that I might get pregnant after this.  I do appreciate your thoughts, but getting pregnant is not something I need to feel complete or worthy or even, happy. My ovaries are a little glued together right now and its just not too likely conception will happen.  I just want to be a mom.  

Apparently some Notre Dame professor (male, of course) wrote an article that the Catholic Church "makes life impossible for infertile women."  Nope.  It does not.  The Catholic Church, Mr. Fancy Pants Degree Man, makes life POSSIBLE for women with fertility issues.  With my Catholic faith, I embrace my fertility challenges.  I'm closer to Jesus at every run to Walmart to transfer money to Florida, every phone call from one attorney to the next to understand laws and statutes and wide eyes at 5am because I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I'm scared to give my heart to a little human being safely tucked away in his mother's womb, waiting for me; scared because he might never make it to my arms.  If I lived to be 100 without a single child to call me mom, at the end of every day, I would STILL love Jesus with every ounce of my beating heart.  My soul is His and this cross I bear, will carry me to heaven, even if I am pricked with a thousand thorns along the way.  It will not crush me, Mr. Fancy Pants, it will carry me!  The Church gives a clear path to fertility struggles and that path isn't determined by what we desire, but what God has designed for us.  Trust.  Even when it bloody sucks and every dart thrown at you is from the Devil himself, TRUST.  That, my friend is the Catholic Church. (Kazaam, Bop, Pow!)

So, what's next?  How is the adoption going?  Do people ask how the pregnancy is going?  I don't have food cravings or lots of doctors appointments and on certain days, I might be trying to juggle work (a million phone calls with patients, doctors and therapists), attorneys, part time job, laundry, husband, dinner, ministry stuff, adoption details (money, birth mom, adoption agency, money, a million phone calls, Walmart people, no maternity leave, vacation time, hotels, and on and on).  Did I forget my hair appointment again?  Snap, I forgot to call so-and-so back.  Repeat, rewind, repeat.  There's my answer.  That's how its going.  And soon, we will be driving to Florida.  Is this really happening?  Pinch me.

Pray for N, for baby Dash (yep that's his name) and our hearts, that they remain open to this journey.  Because one day, the ride will pull into the station and come to a jolting stop.  And then the real ride begins.

Elevator Music

Well, our adoption homestudy is complete.  Papers, signatures, TB tests, fingerprints and background checks are clear.  Even our pets are healthy.  Now what?  Sit tight.  Stare at the phone.  Apply for a loan and probably cancel cable.  (Its pretty much the end of the world or reality shows)  I'm sure looking back, this frozen time, I might not even remember it; the unknown bitter hope.  

A million couples are like us (really that's how many couples are out there with infertility wanting to adopt), though I don't seem to know too many in my zip code that can't conceive.  Its still Jon and I at parties, without a kid to watch over to make sure he doesn't get into the dog food or knock over a priceless vase from Macy's.  Our life is quiet, really.  Work and more work.  Dinner.  Friends.  Mass. Baby shower invites, Facebook status updates (oh she just had a baby?) and work folk asking me when I'm going to have a little one! (Because I haven't figured out how all the parts and labor work?)

I thought at one time I had everything with infertility figured out.   I would proudly accept the thorns and carry my cross to educate others on NFP (Natural Family Planning), abortion, adoption and our ever amazing and loving God.  Its dwindling down to a club of one, because sometimes the group members of infertility escape and a cloud of pregnancy bliss envelops them.  Honestly, I don't have this infertility junk figured out in the slightest.  The female body is a being all its own.  The good doctors will tell you, "I don't know why some women conceive and some do not." 

My husband commented that he has never seem me so motivated at anything. (He hasn't seem me play Chinese Checkers) I sat at the doctor's office for half an hour three times just to get another signature because the ink didn't look real (or something).  I had a firey meltdown when the agency said that the signature wasn't original and I needed to go back.  Again.  Its not really a big deal.  Its done and we are waiting for a birth mom.  (Labor pains, right?) But in those moments, you want to scream at the guy in the car next to you because you're just angry.  It isn't simple.  And then it hits you.  You are NOT like other girls that think they have control over their fertility.  You can't get pregnant.  Sorry.  You're not on 16 and Pregnant whining about how your life will change and you can't go to the mall whenever you want or you baby doesn't have pink Nikes because they are $35.  You are also NOT Angelina Jolie that zips on over to Africa to grab the next dimension of the Pitt clan. Nope.  You are a working, responsible adult that wants to be a mom.  You have extra life insurance (because the state requires it).  And your abdomen is frozen with a spider web of adhesions.

Now more than anything, I am just nervous.  I don't have a clue what to buy for a new little life and I'm broke anyway so its even more overwhelming.  Formula or breast milk from a milk bank ($1 an ounce at 30 ounces a day)? Car seats, cloth or trashy diapers? And then private school.  How will I ever work enough to pay for all of these things for a little new life?

Psalm 143:8 "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."

And here is our King, Jesus Christ who keeps begging me to come closer.  Trust me, love me.  You do not need to worry.  (But I can't possibly NOT worry) This verse speaks to me in so many ways.  Here we are just on a ferris wheel that takes you up slowly and then stops as others get off, smiling and hugging and maybe even wanting to get on again.  That wait seems to feel like ages, because there at the top, you just watch everyone below.  You know the ride will end and you will too, one day have a baby that God places in your arms and on your heart.

I know that birth mothers have a tough road.  They have to place their child with strangers.  A birth mother has to ultimately trust that her child will have the best possible life with this hopeful couple in front of her.  And I have to trust too.  I can't just say I trust God and I'm a-okay with his plan for me.  He doesn't want you to just go through the motions (stand up sit down communion confession ministry).  He didn't promise those who follow Him that the ride would be smooth sailing with rainbow kisses.  

We all have something that aches our hearts and puzzles our minds.  I'm not that different than any other struggling Catholic girl.  On the days when waiting is hard, I rejoice in my freedom, my quiet house, my time with friends and my parents that I am ever so thankful to have in my life.  I'm praying for the trust my birth mother had when she saw a photo of my parents.  Her little girl, had a pretty great childhood.

Psalm 86:2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.

Q &A
Where are you adopting from?
I think people are asking, are you getting a baby from the deep of Africa?  Nope.  The lovely, extravagant state of Indiana.
Are you adopting an infant?
Most likely yes.  It all depends on what the agency presents to us when a birth mother chooses us.
How long will it be to wait?
Forever.  The agency almost always places first time parents within 12 months.  An average wait time is 9-12 months, but that polar vortex brought in stork reinforcements.  So it might be more like 4 months.

Baby Boom

Last October, Jon and I made an appointment at Adoption Support Center in Indianapolis after a suggestion from a friend.  We had visited Bethany Christian the previous year but did not completely understand our fertility issues at that time.  After visiting that agency and hearing the cost, we learned of a new agency in South Bend, Holy Family Adoption which was significantly less expensive. We started the process with that agency but soon felt it was not the best match for us.  Since everyone asks me, I DID call Catholic Charities several times.  Unfortunately, this agency has greatly slowed in their adoptions and were very difficult to even get a return phone call.  We really like ASC because of their extreme professionalism, honesty and longevity.  They are celebrating 28 years as an agency.  They work with one attorney and truly understand the market for adoption.  They have a support system for you and the birth mother after placement.  AND they make a goal to have a baby for you within a year.  The cost is still between $20-35,000 for DOMESTIC adoption.  Yep.  That's a down payment on a house.  I get it.  That's our agency out there working for us to create our family!

We needed a few more months to get our life in order, figure out my baby oven drama and save some cold hard cash (Thank you all you Norwex lovies!).  We chose June in December of last year to start the process.  What the bleep?!  Its June already.  Checkbook in the glove compartment, we headed to Indy at 7 am on Thursday.

Hours were already spent answering a biographical questionnaire and gathering data about our families.  Does anyone know the marriage date of their paternal and maternal grandparents?  How are your bowel movements?  Have you ever _______? Give us your tax returns, letters of recommendation notarized, birth certificate and your MASH results from 5th grade. (If you know what this is, you win a prize)

Friday we get a name tag, a notebook and a comfy spot for the next 12 hours along with 5 other hopeful couples.  We meet adoptive parents and hear their story.  We meet a birth mother that has also been adopted in 1993 by the agency.  She was full of passion for adoption and even wants to work for the agency after college.  We took a break for lunch and walked to a restaurant.  We were the 5 amigos. all childless, all infertile.  Finally!  People like us! We shared insensitivities that common folk blurt out at us and how it hurts and then how we smile back and try to be witty.  We share our fears about adoption and being "chosen." 

A few things struck me at this adoption pow wow: One couple had matching outfits.  I don't think they planned it but the husband and wife were both wearing khakis, a blue top and tan boat shoes.  EVERY couple but Jon and I had attempted IVF at least once. Even the adoption coordinator.  One couple had struggled 11 years with infertility.  THREE couples including Jon and I are Catholic.  What brought sadness to me was EVERY couple had tried IVF, including the 3 Catholic couples.  The biggest fear everyone but Jon and I had was the CONTROL.  I was overwhelmed with love from Jesus THE ENTIRE DAY!  I love you.  Thank you for trusting me, thank you for following me.  Two years of trying to conceive, charting and testing.  It wasn't fun, it was messy, it was hard.  I was angry.  I was sad.  I was JEALOUS.  I was confused.  I was a sin box junkie. I prayed for one thing consistently through all of this.  Jesus, bring me closer to you.  Let me be your humble servant.  Give me the grace to trust you and love you through all this pain and confusion.  Let the Holy Spirit shine through me so others may see your light, your face and receive your grace.  I gave up long ago asking for a pregnancy.  It will always lightly sting when I see or hear of others expecting and that's okay.  Now instead of sadness, I rejoice for them and thank God for their miracle and hope that they are joyous too!

We all sin.  A lot or a little and even again and again.  As much as I wanna be perfect (like Mary or Jesus) I'm so not.  I have 2 small soap boxes here and then I'm done.  #1. As a Christian, as a human being BE PRO LIFE.  We can not be a race that kills one another before we even have a chance for greatness or failure.  #2. Seek the truth about IVF, especially if you are Catholic.  Learn why it isn't God's plan for us.  #3. Whoops.  Speak positively about adoption.  Gossip the shitakke mushrooms out of me.  Tell my story.  I'm living proof that adoption saved my life, created a family and brought my heart and my husband through this journey. 

I thought it might be better to use this as a Q & A format because I get asked these questions repeatedly.

1. Did you try IVF or a surrogate?
    Nope.  These procedures are not in line with our Catholic faith.  And we could try both and have a messy situation or worse yet, no baby.
2. You could still get pregnant.  There is hope.  My cousin's sister's friend's aunt....
You don't have to say this to me.  It isn't comforting and I have accepted infertility as my cross.  
3. Once you adopt, you will get pregnant.  That always happens!
How about a looksie in my abdomen?  It's a hot mess in there.  My ovaries ain't got no time for that.  Again, you don't have to say this to me or any other couple like us.
4. Are you adopting internationally?
Nope.  I've always had my heart set on a little Asian girl, but for so many reasons, it wasn't the best option for us.  
5.  Good!  Because there are sooooooooo many babies here that need good homes.
If you are referring to the foster care system, I called them and they told me they don't have babies.  Yes there are children in foster care that need a good family.  Unfortunately, that isn't the best for my family right now.  Plus, those children internationally have HORRIBLE situations and are usually abandoned.  I think its beautiful decision to adopt anywhere in the world.
6. Do you get to choose the sex of your baby?
Nope. Kinda the same as a pregnancy. God will give us the baby we are supposed to have. Our profile is shown to birth mothers and the agency contacts us when a birth mother would like to meet us or a baby fits our profile (fall in your lap happens once a month).
7. How long is the process?
Any time between 9-12 months, but it could be sooner.
8. Does Open Adoption mean co-parenting?
Absolutely not.  We share pictures and letters with the birth mother/parents and if they would like,  meetings with our child throughout their life.  It is important that the birthmother feel confident that her baby is safe and happy.  We honor her for choosing us to be parents! A comfortable distance is determined by ourselves and the birthmother.
9. When is the adoption final?
3-4 months after all legal stuff is in order we go to Marion County and the Judgey Poo signs his name that our baby is OURS!
10. Are you going to have a baby shower?
Absolutely!  Just after we know our baby is legally ours :)
11. Are you getting a newborn?
We would like a newborn, but sometimes the agency gets sibling groups or babies a little older.  We are open to God's plan!
12. I saw a post on Facebook about baby something.  Did you get your baby?
Please know that I will shout with JOY and will announce to everyone that we have a baby.  You don't need to ask.  Sometimes I post photos but trust me, I WILL tell you when its a done deal!
13. How can I help you guys?
Pray for our unknown birthmother!  This is a scary and extremely difficult decision for her.  Once she chooses us, we still have some time before she gives birth and signs papers.  It is possible and legal that she could change her mind.  So many women are in the most heart breaking situations.  Please pray that Mary intercedes for them and envelops these mommies with her love!

Thank you all for listening!  If you have said anything to me in the above questions, I'm not offended.  I just want to educate the world about infertility and adoption!  Well, really loving Jesus is the bestest :)

Toodles!

ps.  Go watch the movie Baby Boom.  Its a movie my Mom and I LOVE and watch together.

Mirror, Mirror

Lord, what can I do for you today?  Grant me the wisdom to make my choices and my thoughts your will so that I may be blessed with your grace.

That's hard, right?  Doing what God wants and not want we want.  Yep.  I struggle with this prayer pretty much every day.  Then a moment strikes me as a drive a million miles in the car.  When I let the Holy Spirit guide me, I am so much stronger, so much happier and definitely taking steps to becoming holier.

I'm not a mother.  I do not have children.  And its a little awkward when people ask, "How many kids do you have?"  I want to be truthful but I don't want the confused look that comes afterward or the textbook advice that follows.  "Well, you know, option X worked for this girl of a friend I know." Great.  As previously stated, I'm not her.  I do hope to be a mother one day, but for now, God blesses me with spiritual motherhood and for that I am graciously thankful.

Yesterday, I helped with a junior high retreat from 8:30 in the morning until 10ish in the evening.  For the first time in my life, I felt like a mom.  The girls asked me to help them with their make up, they came to me with a nose bleed, they had me hold a million things for them (sweatshirts, phones, gloves, socks, snacks) and then they came to me to pray for them.  I found myself worrying when we drove in the car.  What if someone hits us and they get hurt?  What if some crazy stranger corners them in the bathroom?  What if another girl says something and hurts their feelings?  What if they just feel alone?  How am I going to protect them and have answers for them?   And then, I just enjoyed being with them.  I delighted in seeing them ice skate and have fun and helping others.  We were silly and had fun and then we just spent time with Jesus.  They opened their hearts and in some ways, Jesus healed mine.

We spent all day strengthening these girls and showing them that they are worth so much more than what they see in a mirror.  They are a daughter of the one true King.  He loves them and they are ENOUGH, just the way they are, as He does not make mistakes.  And then you see yourself and ask, What am I? I'm older and wiser.  Yep.   Or am I? You realize that you are just like them.  Afraid.  Broken.  Worried about the future and wanting to control so much in our lives.  It was just yesterday that I was 12, wasn't it?  I was just krimping my hair and waiting to get my braces off.  When did I become 35 with a career, husband and a mortgage? I'm still just like them.  Still desiring to be loved, accepted and wanted.

I struggle with my wants and God's will and I don't think it may ever get completely easy.  I want the chance to be a mother, to be loved by a child and to share the joys and struggles of a child with my husband.  I want to experience seeing my parents as grandparents and learning from them so that I can provide my children with love and wisdom. I just want to be worthy of the chance of parenthood.

The ache of infertility dulls over time and my mother says when a baby is placed in my arms through adoption it will fade away.  When I see a curly haired little boy, I think, I can't ever have that - a boy that looks like Jon.  And then I look at a photo from Christmas 1980 something.  My mother and I, same hair cut, same outfit, same smile.  Of course I know that I don't need a baby that looks just like me.  I'm still learning, still praying for God's beautiful plan to embrace me.  And yet maybe, it already has.

Operation: I'm not her

Surgery Update: Two weeks ago on January 30, I made my way to St. Louis with my husband to Dr. Yeung, an Endometriosis expert.  I had received a referral finally from Omaha, Pope Paul VI Institute stating that I needed a 6 hour possible open surgery, along with a bowel resection to effectively treat my Endometriosis.  I was terrified when I opened the mail and read the long list of details for this surgery that would require 4 - 6 weeks of recovery.  I decided to get yet another opinion because I could only manage to speak to a nurse on the phone at Omaha who wanted me to schedule my surgery without speaking to an actual surgeon.  I was impressed by Dr. Yeung and he is also a NaPro physician that has dedicated his career to understanding and treating Endo.  He revealed to me that I actually have Stage 4 Endo, not stage 3 and without intervention, conception is highly unlikely.

I will have a few more diagnostic tests performed, but Jon and I have made the decision to not attempt the surgery at this time.  A bowel resection is a risky and difficult procedure and I simply want to lead a normal life with my family.  I am blessed to not experience pain with my Endo, however my abdomen is obliterated with adhesions.

I went through a dark stage where I pretty much told God to F*&$ off.  I was hopeless and just angry.  Everyone is pregnant and everyone tells me that they know someone with Endo that conceived.  Great.  I'm not her.  Why bother going to mass?  I am a sinner and openly admit that.  I follow Catholic teaching, especially when it comes to fertility, in every way possible.  I don't even buy Girl Scout cookies as they support Planned Parenthood.  I don't care about being better than anyone.   I honestly have never cared what others think of me.  Which is why at times I am sure I get myself in trouble.  I love Jesus more than my own life.  I care what His judgement of me will be.  I'm sure He's not keeping a tally of Thin Mints this season, but its the very precedent of living our faith.  I can not in good conscience, willing and knowingly support an organization that suggests abortion is good for women.  And maybe if I don't buy a box, someone else will think about it as well. 

So, I stick to NFP and I turn away from IVF and other artificial ways of creating life.  I tackle the hard topics and I pray, or at least I think I do.  And I get nothing in return.  I am not rewarded.  So I have my tantrum and avoid God and curse him.  Its human selfishness 101.  Its commandment breaking most definitely. 

Then Agape, our junior high weekly ministry started meeting again after winter break.  I was humbled again that these simple kids could love me with all my brokenness and anger.  I'm angry that I am not rewarded for what I WANT and to what I think I am entitled.  Much like teen moms who don't understand why they don't get government funding when they have never worked a day in their lives.  I'm happy they chose life, however it takes a true loving mother to accept that she can not adequately provide for her child.  A child is not an accessory.  A child deserves a mother and a father.

I went to mass and stared at the Eucharist. Tears consumed me.  It still amazes me that I am overwhelmed with humility at this point in mass.  I beg to be forgiven.  I ask Christ to see me as the poor servant I am and make me into the saint I desire to be.  I am tormented and mourn a loss to conceive a child.  But I AM joyous.  God instilled in me a desire to live the life He gave me in the beautiful world He created.  I may not get what I want or think I want.  But He delights in me and if I must say the words over and over each day that Jesus is ENOUGH, then I certainly will.  This is the same relationship you might have with a child as God does with me.  Just because I do a "good job" doesn't mean I will always receive a reward or extra allowance.  This creates a desire to learn more about why Catholics believe as they do.

We all sin.  We all get frustrated that our lives are difficult and strenuous and even more challenging as Catholics because we can't make our choices by what is convenient or solved by a simply new form of technology.  We are faced with the truth and moral convictions.  It will never be easy or fair, but that isn't the point of life.  We are expected to make mistakes.  I don't proclaim to know all the answers, but through prayer my heart tells me that Jesus will provide me a loving family and in many ways He already has.  Through our trials and disappointments, we have one another and in turn we have Christ.  We can choose to give in to the devil and sit alone in our misery or reach out to love others and be loved, despite our broken dreams. 

 "Getting rid of your worries is simple: Keep your thoughts on Me. Whisper My Name to remind you that I’m with you. Sing a song of praise. Tell Me that you trust Me. I will get you safely through this day and every day." -Jesus Calling

Prayer isn't created to be a wishing well.  I am still learning this.  I may never get pregnant but I will be a  mother.  Because now I pray that the next pregnant teen feels on her heart to make me the mother of her child.  Through both our hardships, perhaps our prayers will unite.  For this is what He asks of us as a true Christian community.  And of course I hope that this is God's will for me.