Ever been on that ride at Cedar Point with the blue and red carts that race? That's my favorite. My friends and I rode that roller coaster again and again on a slow day, throwing our arms up and racing the opposite cart. Back when life wasn't so fast and overfilling with responsibilities, health insurance and retirement planning. After a few months of standing in line for the roller coaster of our life, we stepped to the front of the line and buckled in with joy and fear splattered across our faces. Here we go.
A birth mom chose us on a Tuesday morning when life didn't seem too demanding or exciting. The race quickly began and we found ourselves making tough decisions in a short amount of time. Let's call her "N" for short. She was thought to be having twins, but that wasn't the case. She is having a boy! And chose us.
But you are a chosen race, a kingdom of priests, a holy nation, a people to be a personal possession to sing the praises of God who called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light. 1Peter 2:9
Finally out of darkness with beautiful shimmers of light with the promise from one mom to another, we moved from hopeful parents to expecting parents. Adoption suddenly became real instead of simply abstract. With cautious steps to guard our hearts, we must tell our family and friends this great news! Its real! So the following Sunday at mass, we were enveloped with overabundant joy for our awaited prayers. How amazingly sweet is our God that showers us with love from our parish family? Something that once seemed unobtainable will sneak up quickly and transform our lives into something we could never have imagined. With twists and turns and upside down flips, we continue on the adoption journey.
When I had heard N chose me to become a mother, I cried. A complete stranger created a dream come true for me. Wow! She doesn't even know me. I just look good on paper. I'm ashamed because I doubted God's plan and thought this day would never happen. That's an amazing gift to share with someone, anyone, especially someone you have never even met. People ask many questions about N, her situation, the baby, her health and lifestyle choices, but honestly it doesn't really matter. Two things matter. She chose LIFE. She chose us. The baby is healthy and due on November 20. Life isn't happy because perfect swooped in and sprinkled perfect magic dust all around the edges. N has made one of the most difficult choices a single person can make. She accepted that what her baby needs is something more than she can give him at this time in her life.
Some people will tell me that I might get pregnant after this. I do appreciate your thoughts, but getting pregnant is not something I need to feel complete or worthy or even, happy. My ovaries are a little glued together right now and its just not too likely conception will happen. I just want to be a mom.
Apparently some Notre Dame professor (male, of course) wrote an article that the Catholic Church "makes life impossible for infertile women." Nope. It does not. The Catholic Church, Mr. Fancy Pants Degree Man, makes life POSSIBLE for women with fertility issues. With my Catholic faith, I embrace my fertility challenges. I'm closer to Jesus at every run to Walmart to transfer money to Florida, every phone call from one attorney to the next to understand laws and statutes and wide eyes at 5am because I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I'm scared to give my heart to a little human being safely tucked away in his mother's womb, waiting for me; scared because he might never make it to my arms. If I lived to be 100 without a single child to call me mom, at the end of every day, I would STILL love Jesus with every ounce of my beating heart. My soul is His and this cross I bear, will carry me to heaven, even if I am pricked with a thousand thorns along the way. It will not crush me, Mr. Fancy Pants, it will carry me! The Church gives a clear path to fertility struggles and that path isn't determined by what we desire, but what God has designed for us. Trust. Even when it bloody sucks and every dart thrown at you is from the Devil himself, TRUST. That, my friend is the Catholic Church. (Kazaam, Bop, Pow!)
So, what's next? How is the adoption going? Do people ask how the pregnancy is going? I don't have food cravings or lots of doctors appointments and on certain days, I might be trying to juggle work (a million phone calls with patients, doctors and therapists), attorneys, part time job, laundry, husband, dinner, ministry stuff, adoption details (money, birth mom, adoption agency, money, a million phone calls, Walmart people, no maternity leave, vacation time, hotels, and on and on). Did I forget my hair appointment again? Snap, I forgot to call so-and-so back. Repeat, rewind, repeat. There's my answer. That's how its going. And soon, we will be driving to Florida. Is this really happening? Pinch me.
Pray for N, for baby Dash (yep that's his name) and our hearts, that they remain open to this journey. Because one day, the ride will pull into the station and come to a jolting stop. And then the real ride begins.
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