Operation: I'm not her

Surgery Update: Two weeks ago on January 30, I made my way to St. Louis with my husband to Dr. Yeung, an Endometriosis expert.  I had received a referral finally from Omaha, Pope Paul VI Institute stating that I needed a 6 hour possible open surgery, along with a bowel resection to effectively treat my Endometriosis.  I was terrified when I opened the mail and read the long list of details for this surgery that would require 4 - 6 weeks of recovery.  I decided to get yet another opinion because I could only manage to speak to a nurse on the phone at Omaha who wanted me to schedule my surgery without speaking to an actual surgeon.  I was impressed by Dr. Yeung and he is also a NaPro physician that has dedicated his career to understanding and treating Endo.  He revealed to me that I actually have Stage 4 Endo, not stage 3 and without intervention, conception is highly unlikely.

I will have a few more diagnostic tests performed, but Jon and I have made the decision to not attempt the surgery at this time.  A bowel resection is a risky and difficult procedure and I simply want to lead a normal life with my family.  I am blessed to not experience pain with my Endo, however my abdomen is obliterated with adhesions.

I went through a dark stage where I pretty much told God to F*&$ off.  I was hopeless and just angry.  Everyone is pregnant and everyone tells me that they know someone with Endo that conceived.  Great.  I'm not her.  Why bother going to mass?  I am a sinner and openly admit that.  I follow Catholic teaching, especially when it comes to fertility, in every way possible.  I don't even buy Girl Scout cookies as they support Planned Parenthood.  I don't care about being better than anyone.   I honestly have never cared what others think of me.  Which is why at times I am sure I get myself in trouble.  I love Jesus more than my own life.  I care what His judgement of me will be.  I'm sure He's not keeping a tally of Thin Mints this season, but its the very precedent of living our faith.  I can not in good conscience, willing and knowingly support an organization that suggests abortion is good for women.  And maybe if I don't buy a box, someone else will think about it as well. 

So, I stick to NFP and I turn away from IVF and other artificial ways of creating life.  I tackle the hard topics and I pray, or at least I think I do.  And I get nothing in return.  I am not rewarded.  So I have my tantrum and avoid God and curse him.  Its human selfishness 101.  Its commandment breaking most definitely. 

Then Agape, our junior high weekly ministry started meeting again after winter break.  I was humbled again that these simple kids could love me with all my brokenness and anger.  I'm angry that I am not rewarded for what I WANT and to what I think I am entitled.  Much like teen moms who don't understand why they don't get government funding when they have never worked a day in their lives.  I'm happy they chose life, however it takes a true loving mother to accept that she can not adequately provide for her child.  A child is not an accessory.  A child deserves a mother and a father.

I went to mass and stared at the Eucharist. Tears consumed me.  It still amazes me that I am overwhelmed with humility at this point in mass.  I beg to be forgiven.  I ask Christ to see me as the poor servant I am and make me into the saint I desire to be.  I am tormented and mourn a loss to conceive a child.  But I AM joyous.  God instilled in me a desire to live the life He gave me in the beautiful world He created.  I may not get what I want or think I want.  But He delights in me and if I must say the words over and over each day that Jesus is ENOUGH, then I certainly will.  This is the same relationship you might have with a child as God does with me.  Just because I do a "good job" doesn't mean I will always receive a reward or extra allowance.  This creates a desire to learn more about why Catholics believe as they do.

We all sin.  We all get frustrated that our lives are difficult and strenuous and even more challenging as Catholics because we can't make our choices by what is convenient or solved by a simply new form of technology.  We are faced with the truth and moral convictions.  It will never be easy or fair, but that isn't the point of life.  We are expected to make mistakes.  I don't proclaim to know all the answers, but through prayer my heart tells me that Jesus will provide me a loving family and in many ways He already has.  Through our trials and disappointments, we have one another and in turn we have Christ.  We can choose to give in to the devil and sit alone in our misery or reach out to love others and be loved, despite our broken dreams. 

 "Getting rid of your worries is simple: Keep your thoughts on Me. Whisper My Name to remind you that I’m with you. Sing a song of praise. Tell Me that you trust Me. I will get you safely through this day and every day." -Jesus Calling

Prayer isn't created to be a wishing well.  I am still learning this.  I may never get pregnant but I will be a  mother.  Because now I pray that the next pregnant teen feels on her heart to make me the mother of her child.  Through both our hardships, perhaps our prayers will unite.  For this is what He asks of us as a true Christian community.  And of course I hope that this is God's will for me.