Well, today started with a first for me! With a rosary in my pocket, I took a giant leap and had my wisdom teeth ripped out of my mouth under anesthia. I have never had a surgery before or let alone any drug stronger than Tylenol with Coedine. So, after a week and a half of pain, I took the plunge.
This is a big deal for me, because it was me letting go of control! I didn't want to take the risk of losing taste and sensation on the left side of my tongue and face, but I risked losing the molar in front of the sideways wisdom impacted tooth. Sigh. Ugh. Blah.
So what does this have to do with faith and my baby making journey? TONS! My cycle started last Friday and I needed to call my OBGYN to schedule my procedure to investigate what is going on in my baby making womb. Well, considering my mouth was a hot mess, I had to take care of that first. So that is pushed back to August or September. More waiting. I desperately want to know what's going on in that crazy uterus. More blind faith in God's plan. But can I do it without a temper tantrum?
Today also Jon and I had a Skype conversation with Mary, our adoption coordinator from Minnesota. It didn't go as planned because the video didn't work, but it was still a continued step. We meet with another social worker next week to get the final approval to begin the home study. And then the wait begins for a birth mother to accept the call to choose US as parents of her beloved child. Small Sigh but with great faith and hope!
This past week, I met a new nurse practitioner. We started discussing pain patients (my company) and then we made our way to mission trips in Africa. It turns out she is a missionary Christian and has been to Africa 6 times. She said something very profound to me. "After the last mission trip, I realized there are too many Fat Christians. We don't need to build up one another. We need to spread the Gospel to the hungry." She was frustrated because here on these missions where Christian churches stand in African communities, modern amenities such as running water and electricity are sparse. However, one community made provisions so that their pastor could have a computer. Just the pastor. His congregation wasn't just starving for electricity and food, but most importantly a leader that exemplifies Christ.
This got me thinking. I'm pretty fat. I need to be more charitable. While I have worked hard for everything I own, I simply haven't been as charitable I could be. Sometimes, I worry too much about what is right and though I want to stand up and LIVE a Catholic life, I can't get others to follow by telling them right vs. wrong.
While this woman isn't Catholic, she made an excellent point essential for sainthood. Every single one of us is called to sainthood. We can't get there with our fat selves. Disclaimer* This really doesn't have anything to do with weight, unless we have an addiction to food that prevents us from holiness!
So, I'm asking for help to challenge myself to get skinny and feed those that are starving for hope, love and fellowship. Those that have no idea that Christ is the answer and center to our desires.
At mass this week, Jon and I sat in a front pew, which helps me focus and block out any distractions. Father John gave a nice homily and asked the parish to pray for couples desiring to have a child. He said that within a year, these couples would be blessed with their own baby. I had to cry because I felt as though it was very appropriate for Jon and I. The beginning of the mass, I thought of Father Dan and how much I miss him still! But here before me is a great priest with comforting words!
As the gathering space cleared out after mass, Father Jon found me and pulled me aside. He asked to speak to me in private. He took my hand and said, "As we said the Gloria, my eyes found you and Jon. I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to pray for you. Then, as I said the homily, the Holy Spirit gave me the words to say. Jesus wants you to know that whatever is consuming you with worry, that you need not worry. It will be okay. Continue to cling to him. And I want you to know, I pray for you and Jon every day. Every single day."
I continue to be in awe of the grace and blessings that God sends me through these amazing priests. Father Jon had no idea of my struggles. I did tell him about my wisdom teeth, but he didn't know about my fertility issues. How very blessed am I with this humble priest from Africa that has only been with us for less than a month.
I pray he will show me even more how to become a more charitable Christian. This fertility journey is a challenge. This adoption journey is a challenge and both will continue to be greater challenges. Neither will be easy. I know this. It can bring fear. But instead of indulging in fear, Christ calls me to cling to Him and love Him more deeply. I am ever so grateful for my parish family. They pray for me, for our future family and they love me dearly. I pray to love them in return tenfold. I pray to strip myself of my fatty selfishness and love more. Give more. Pray more. Do more as a servant of Jesus Christ. I don't need to tell others how to be better Catholics. I just need to be one.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Adoption, Crime Scene in my Pants, & Baby Frenzy
What a whirlwind these past few weeks have been! And here I sit with so much to say to so many different friends! Perhaps I should start with scripture. "Delight yourself in Me, for I am the deepest Desire of your heart." Psalm 37:4 (Jesus Calling)
When we truly search for what lies in our hearts, we find what we love and to what we are called. As a wise friend told me, God gives us all free will, which makes us human. In our struggle to do what we desire and what He wills us to do, is a cloud that hopefully becomes translucent through prayer, guidance, wisdom and love.
I used to love roller coasters as a teenager. My favorite was the Gemini at Cedar Point. Two coasters, one red, one blue race on a wooden track. One year, we simply didn't get off and keep riding again and again. We even got to speak on the intercom. "WELCOME BACK GEMINI RIDERS! WE ARE GOING TO TAKE YOU UP 40 FEET AND THEN DROP YOU DOWN TO THE GROUND!" Well, that's what I feel like I'm riding. Except, I'm not waving my hands in the air and laughing hysterically. I'm gripping the handle bars to release me from the ride.
I'm still examining toilet paper. I'm still charting my cycles. My beloved priest, aka spiritual father, Father Dan transfers to Ft. Wayne. I see white dancing babies almost every day, which makes it very difficult to determine when I am truly fertile. A niece of mine, a senior in high school is pregnant. My insurance will not approve Clomid (so I can stimulate ovulation). My cycle came early this month and I couldn't get in for my procedure. Our power was out for 3 days. Two friends and a cousin are pregnant again and they are graciously sensitive of my feelings. I have had the worst year in my sales job in my entire 8 year career. And we completed a semen analysis test - the Catholic way. $12.95 condom with poked holes and a trip on the toll road to South Bend Medical Foundation. I handed the girl behind the desk my brown paper bag, marked SPECIAL. It was very special indeed! Jon's fertility is above average. Which leaves the fertility issue to completely me. I praised Jesus that this cross be mine to bear.
We had our first appointment at the adoption agency, Holy Family. This was the third time I had spoken with them, but our first official meeting. Their office is in South Bend at the Life Center. Right next to the only abortion clinic left in South Bend. When I arrived at the building, I noticed a woman sitting in a lawn chair with an umbrella to keep the sun off her. She wore an apron that stated, "PRO CHOICE ESCORT." I felt anxious suddenly and searched for my rosary in my center console. I couldn't find it. Did this woman know what she was supporting? Was she harassing my sisters in Christ as they attempted to defend with their whole hearts the lives of the most vulnerable? Perhaps she herself has a wounded heart. But how, I wonder can we adopt a baby with this "escort" lounging in her chair?
4. That's how many babies were adopted last year with this agency in Minnesota. Four families came together! Why is it that pregnant teens keep their babies? Why is it that abortion is an option?
What stirs in my heart is a voice. A voice that screams to be heard by every living being. We are all called to love and be loved in return. God gives the gift of life to some women, not for them to hold on to, but for them to give their gift to others.
Adoption is a beautiful creation of families. Throughout history, it definitely has had its issues and thorns. Birth mothers were at one time forced to leave their babies. Babies were sold illegally. Over the years with proper legal channels and better options for birth families such as open adoptions, it has become a lifesaver. But now, adoption is dying. Its silent but deadly killers are 1. Abortion and 2. Passive Society. We have become a society that is afraid to speak from our deepest desires and beliefs. It may be what we believe, but we don't want to push our beliefs on others for fear of offending anyone. Ladies and gentlemen, we are being called to SPEAK the TRUTH! The only way to break this cycle and help our children have great, healthy lives is to make that change. Adoption ensures that every child will have the opportunity to have a mother and a father. Adoption is a SELFLESS act of love. It is the greatest act of love from the deepest courage any mother can give to her child.
As an adopted child, I LOVE my parents more than anything God has ever given me. I was spoiled, I was loved, I was happy. I was given a chance. I had special birthday parties and a toy room. I had an education, dental insurance, braces and piano lessons. I had Christmas mornings with my mom, dad and brother. But most importantly, above anything else, my mother and father had children. They have overflowing photo albums of baby moments with trips to the zoo and snowmen building. My mother became what she so longed to be, but couldn't create for herself.
My mom called me tonight to just say she loves me. She cried profusely at my wedding and even though my parents divorced, they danced together at my wedding. All of these moments were made possible by adoption. Because one woman had the courage and the faith to give her precious gift to my parents.
This is what my heart desires, not only for myself, but for all of those hopeful, waiting parents. We are called to share the desires of our hearts.
From Pope John Paul II, The Mystery of Faith, "What more could Jesus have done for us? Truly, in the Eucharist, he shows us a love which goes to the end (John 13:1), a love which knows no measure."
Please do not ever be sad for me or worried that I will break down and cry because someone else is pregnant. Yes, I have my tantrums and breakdowns. I'm human and a sinner. But at every new pregnancy and birth announcement, I kneel deeper to our one true King. Instead of praying for me, pray for all the mothers to be, expecting life and giving life. For this is what my heart so deeply desires.
When we truly search for what lies in our hearts, we find what we love and to what we are called. As a wise friend told me, God gives us all free will, which makes us human. In our struggle to do what we desire and what He wills us to do, is a cloud that hopefully becomes translucent through prayer, guidance, wisdom and love.
I used to love roller coasters as a teenager. My favorite was the Gemini at Cedar Point. Two coasters, one red, one blue race on a wooden track. One year, we simply didn't get off and keep riding again and again. We even got to speak on the intercom. "WELCOME BACK GEMINI RIDERS! WE ARE GOING TO TAKE YOU UP 40 FEET AND THEN DROP YOU DOWN TO THE GROUND!" Well, that's what I feel like I'm riding. Except, I'm not waving my hands in the air and laughing hysterically. I'm gripping the handle bars to release me from the ride.
I'm still examining toilet paper. I'm still charting my cycles. My beloved priest, aka spiritual father, Father Dan transfers to Ft. Wayne. I see white dancing babies almost every day, which makes it very difficult to determine when I am truly fertile. A niece of mine, a senior in high school is pregnant. My insurance will not approve Clomid (so I can stimulate ovulation). My cycle came early this month and I couldn't get in for my procedure. Our power was out for 3 days. Two friends and a cousin are pregnant again and they are graciously sensitive of my feelings. I have had the worst year in my sales job in my entire 8 year career. And we completed a semen analysis test - the Catholic way. $12.95 condom with poked holes and a trip on the toll road to South Bend Medical Foundation. I handed the girl behind the desk my brown paper bag, marked SPECIAL. It was very special indeed! Jon's fertility is above average. Which leaves the fertility issue to completely me. I praised Jesus that this cross be mine to bear.
We had our first appointment at the adoption agency, Holy Family. This was the third time I had spoken with them, but our first official meeting. Their office is in South Bend at the Life Center. Right next to the only abortion clinic left in South Bend. When I arrived at the building, I noticed a woman sitting in a lawn chair with an umbrella to keep the sun off her. She wore an apron that stated, "PRO CHOICE ESCORT." I felt anxious suddenly and searched for my rosary in my center console. I couldn't find it. Did this woman know what she was supporting? Was she harassing my sisters in Christ as they attempted to defend with their whole hearts the lives of the most vulnerable? Perhaps she herself has a wounded heart. But how, I wonder can we adopt a baby with this "escort" lounging in her chair?
4. That's how many babies were adopted last year with this agency in Minnesota. Four families came together! Why is it that pregnant teens keep their babies? Why is it that abortion is an option?
What stirs in my heart is a voice. A voice that screams to be heard by every living being. We are all called to love and be loved in return. God gives the gift of life to some women, not for them to hold on to, but for them to give their gift to others.
Adoption is a beautiful creation of families. Throughout history, it definitely has had its issues and thorns. Birth mothers were at one time forced to leave their babies. Babies were sold illegally. Over the years with proper legal channels and better options for birth families such as open adoptions, it has become a lifesaver. But now, adoption is dying. Its silent but deadly killers are 1. Abortion and 2. Passive Society. We have become a society that is afraid to speak from our deepest desires and beliefs. It may be what we believe, but we don't want to push our beliefs on others for fear of offending anyone. Ladies and gentlemen, we are being called to SPEAK the TRUTH! The only way to break this cycle and help our children have great, healthy lives is to make that change. Adoption ensures that every child will have the opportunity to have a mother and a father. Adoption is a SELFLESS act of love. It is the greatest act of love from the deepest courage any mother can give to her child.
As an adopted child, I LOVE my parents more than anything God has ever given me. I was spoiled, I was loved, I was happy. I was given a chance. I had special birthday parties and a toy room. I had an education, dental insurance, braces and piano lessons. I had Christmas mornings with my mom, dad and brother. But most importantly, above anything else, my mother and father had children. They have overflowing photo albums of baby moments with trips to the zoo and snowmen building. My mother became what she so longed to be, but couldn't create for herself.
My mom called me tonight to just say she loves me. She cried profusely at my wedding and even though my parents divorced, they danced together at my wedding. All of these moments were made possible by adoption. Because one woman had the courage and the faith to give her precious gift to my parents.
This is what my heart desires, not only for myself, but for all of those hopeful, waiting parents. We are called to share the desires of our hearts.
From Pope John Paul II, The Mystery of Faith, "What more could Jesus have done for us? Truly, in the Eucharist, he shows us a love which goes to the end (John 13:1), a love which knows no measure."
Please do not ever be sad for me or worried that I will break down and cry because someone else is pregnant. Yes, I have my tantrums and breakdowns. I'm human and a sinner. But at every new pregnancy and birth announcement, I kneel deeper to our one true King. Instead of praying for me, pray for all the mothers to be, expecting life and giving life. For this is what my heart so deeply desires.
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