I wanted to write a review about the last episode of This is Us as it encompasses my heart on so many levels. The show is by far brilliant, giving us a picture of what a family looks like when incorporated by adoption. In the center of it all, amidst the pain, excitement, stress and joy, is irrevocably always love.
If you aren't a super fan of This is Us (you need to watch one episode to fall in love) I will give a brief synopsis: A couple gives birth to twins, but was expecting triplets as one did not survive. A man brings a baby into the hospital the same day and states he can not care for him. The couple, mourning the death of one baby, decides to adopt this little guy and name him Randall. Randall is black while his family is white. His mother meets his biological father shortly after Randall's birth. He tells her that he is a drug addict, the baby's mother died from her addiction and he simply knew he couldn't care for their child. He asks her if he can visit Randall from time to time and she declines that offer. She will send photos and letters, but she doesn't feel its a good idea to be in Randall's life. Fast forward thirty five years later and Randall discovers that his mother, Rebeca knew the identity of his biological father his entire life and did not tell him. He is incredibly hurt and expresses an array of emotions towards his mother, which ultimately breaks her heart.
Watching this episode, I knew what would happen. I sat watching the mother knowing why she made that choice in the past and exactly how Randall would feel. I am an adoptee that had a closed adoption. I have never met my birth parents. My mom and dad were always honest and open about my adoption and what information they had. I still do not have any identifying information about either parent. As a child, I always believed adoption to be magical, special and distinct. I was chosen, my parents told me. They wanted me and they waited so long to have me in their life. I was never made to feel as an outsider, though I truly desired to know my biological parents. To see them. To know whose nose I have. What her voice sounds like, what color his eyes are and what his parents do on Sundays. I wanted to know these things because I wanted to know where I came from and who I came from as in some way to determine who I should be.
Randall felt deprived of this the moment he knew his mother had kept his biological family from him. He thought, "Maybe I am not who I should be. Maybe I was meant to be someone else. Maybe my birth father could have made a difference in my life." What he doesn't see is the view from a mother's heart. She made a decision to protect her son and her family when she met Randall's birth father. She probably didn't know much about adoption and didn't want a man with a drug problem and a life of instability to be involved in her son's life. She made a decision as a mother to protect her son from disappointment, hurt feelings and confusion. As time passed, she should have told him. I suppose she worried what her son would think of her, what he would think of this man and ultimately what he would think of himself.
My son is adopted. His birth parents have a past rich in drug abuse and years in jail and prison. They want to see him. We have a private Facebook page where I share photos and updates about what he is doing. They have to be drug free and not have committed any crimes. Sadly, since the adoption finalization, they both have been back in jail, not once but twice. They have lived a life full of poor choices, but they still chose us to raise their son as our own. One day, I will have to make the same choice Rebeca did. I want my son to know his birth parents. I don't want him, however to feel as though he is defined by the past choices of his parents.
His birth mother asked me never to tell him about her drug use during her pregnancy. She said, "I don't want him to think that's a part of him. That he will be drawn to do drugs too." What she was really saying: "I want him to have a chance. A different life than my own. I don't want my past to ruin his future."
So Rebeca saw that man as a threat to her son's future, his emotional well being, his potential, his safety. She didn't make a wrong choice, she did what all mothers do when they are given the task. And that is to make the best decision you can for your child in that moment. Should she have told him at some point in his adult life? Absolutely. But sometimes, fear takes hold of our hearts and we avoid sharing that truth because we just don't know the outcome. We fear what the other person will say and do and if they will think differently about us. We fear losing the relationship we worked so long to build. We fear losing love.
I have heard of some adoptive parents just not telling their children they are adopted, which is heartbreakingly wrong. Adoption isn't something to be ashamed of or to hide in the back closet. Choosing not to acknowledge your child has a biological family hurts everyone in the end. Your child, like Randall won't trust you. They will create a dichotomy that their entire life was a lie, which in some ways, it was. Children don't need a lie or their past hidden because it wasn't perfect or their parents had a lifetime of bad choices. If anything, we can show them that they are indeed NOT defined by choices that were not their own. That through adoption, their parents became parents. That even though so many bad choices were made by their biological parents, they made one very good one: to choose a better life for their child, even though it meant placing their child with a different family. And almost every time, breaking their own heart to do it.
I'm hoping Randall will talk to his mother and see her love for him. Because when he sees who he has become, he would not be who is today without that choice she made. And now it is his choice how to move forward.
As parents, we don't know sometimes about the choices we make today, how they will result in the future. But we make these choices in love, we try our hardest to minimize broken hearts and struggles in our children because we want them to have every opportunity for happiness.
My son will always know that he is greatly loved by his family as he knows us and his birth family. My wish for him is to be kind and generous to others. And when he meets them, he will thank them for choosing his life, for giving him the journey they struggled to give themselves.
And one day, I hope to meet my birth parents. To thank them for choosing life, for making my mom's dream of becoming a mother and for giving me the best parents on the planet. I don't care about the details of why they couldn't keep me, because I would never be the Heidi as I am known today.
Adoption IS actually love. In every single way.
Friday, November 25, 2016
Monday, August 29, 2016
All for One
Comfort is a 21st century luxury item. And really so many of us are very comfortable
from the clothes we wear to the food we eat to the cars we drive and the couch
we flop onto when we come home from work.
When the idea creeps upon us as uncomfortable, we freak out.
Every day as a mother continues to surprise me. An unknown world creeps up on you and there
is nothing you can do to control it.
Every emotion from beyond happy to super scared, crazy worried, sad and confused,
out of patience to beyond happy again can consume just a single day. I’m a mom and I never thought I would
be. And I really didn’t think I would be
scared about it. But I am. I’m scared he won’t know that I would do it
again and again just to hold him. I
would take that roller coaster ride of adoption, a hundred and one times if he
was at the end of it with his bubbly smile and rosy cheeks.
I would defend him when people ask ridiculous questions
about his “real” parents and try not to be overbearing in my comments when
people ask, “His mother wasn’t on drugs, was she?” I often wonder why people ask this question
because they can’t imagine a mother who would snort cocaine and inject heroine
daily while pregnant or if they can’t imagine someone would want a baby born to
this addiction. Yes, several mothers do
drugs while pregnant. Its 2016. (This
generation barely knows who Ronald Regan was, let alone Nancy) And yes again, several hopeful couples would
want a baby born addicted to drugs. Because
the desire to become a parent has pushed aside fear of the unknown and what
ifs.
I wanted a perfect adoption because I believe in the
overwhelming love adoption can bring to a single person. I never imagined our birth mother would
lie. I certainly didn’t imagine she
would contest the adoption after signing her consent one month later. Are people really this cruel? Yes.
She threatened to harm our adoption coordinator several times. She received over $15,000 from the other
couple she had promised our child. She
accused us of lying. And all the while,
our little boy knew nothing of a mother who struggled with the woman who gave
him life.
Pope Francis has called this the year of Mercy. So many days I fall short of being a good
Catholic. I forget to pray, I shout out
ten f- curse words, I’m snotty to my husband and behind at work. The laundry multiples like Gremlins and I’m
just not really that good at ANYTHING like I used to be. I’m just getting by. I need to forgive her. All the pain she caused me and what she stole
from me. But it isn’t really her I need
to forgive, but myself.
I just want to be a mommy.
I want to go to library time and make crustless peanut butter and
jelly. But I have to work because
adoption is $40,000. And the roof needs
to be replaced and the doorbell is broken.
And I want to be a mommy. So I keep working on how to work on it
all. Even when we know that God’s plan
is better than ours and we still want what we want, He doesn’t just let us
go. This isn’t the comfy part of
life. It simply is my life.
I’m never been afraid of working hard to have the things I
want and the desire to be a parent is no different. For the most part, our birth mother doesn’t
have much contact with us. When she
does, the rush of anxiety overcomes me.
Not because I fear she will take him away, because I know she can’t, but
because this person that caused me so much pain, made me a mom. The little face that lights up with so much
joy, came directly from her. So I keep
posting photos and updates so she can see him, so I can honor my word. Because I never want my son to be
disappointed that I couldn’t forgive her.
And above all, I want to kiss the feet of Jesus, because all of the
struggle, the long work drives, horrible bosses, nasty customers, scary plane
rides, temper tantrums and attorney fees (and more and more) was really all for
Him. The life part is just not easy and comfort dissipated. We didn’t get a perfect adoption, but we did
get a perfect baby to love and love us. I think Jesus might say to me, “I didn’t want
your journey to be comfortable. I wanted
it to be worth it.” My uncomfort really
is worth eternity.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Say anything
What a long year it has been! I haven't written for quite some time as our adoption story was 1. complicated 2. contested after the birth parents signed and 3. painful. Two weeks ago, Dash's adoption was finalized. A bitter and sweet journey, it is far beyond an experience I ever imagined. As always, I like to share my life so that others can hopefully learn something to gain knowledge, peace or simply the hope and comfort that they are not alone.
Dash was born on a Tuesdayish. Noelle and Richard, his birth parents had been working with two couples. They took a total of $30,000 from us and another couple. This is fraud. This is a crime. Baby Dash was also born with a few additional health items that Noelle had omitted. They told so many lies in our interaction with them, it was hard to distinguish what was real and what was real to just them. I sat waiting for my delayed plane in Chicago to fly to Jacksonville with a blanket of friends and family comforting me. Texts of prayer, love and encouragement. I was at the beginning stages of exhaustion but just didn't know it. I had found myself and my husband in a tangled web of deceit, lies and thousands of dollars for one, new little life.
My father bought Jon and I next day plan tickets as we (not really) prepared to meet our 3 week early baby boy. I had an interview in Kalamazoo, which my dad drove me to, then drove me another almost two hours to the airport. I changed from a conservative, black suit to a pair of jeans I don't remember. My bag toppled over as I was trying to search for something and I sat down next to my dad. I was everything all at once: tired, angry, scared, hungry, not hungry, guarded, frightened to be hopeful. My dad told me I didn't have to leave right then. I could get another flight. If you don't know already, I have an amazing dad. As I grow older, I cherish each new moment where I feel 5 again and he is my hero, my safety and I believe he has the hidden power to make everything better. In between a sobbing mess, I asked my dad why all of this was happening to all of me. I tried my best to do everything right. I followed Catholic teaching, I didn't break any rules. Why does simply wanting to have a baby, hurt so very much? He cried too. Do you know why parents cry? It isn't because they hurt. My dad at that moment, couldn't be my hero and he knew it. He saw me in pain and couldn't take it away. He couldn't explain it, he couldn't fix it and while none of it was his to fix, he wanted those hidden magical powers.
With a puffy face and crumbled tissues, I approached the security line. A very nice guard, whipped out a box of Kleenex and told me she was going to pray for me. I should also mention that as I checked in, a question popped up on my screen, "Will an infant be traveling on your lap?" Not today. Not today. All the security guards that day were ungraciously kind to me. Another one handed me more Kleenex and asked if I was okay. They wanted to say something.
A rosary in my pocket and a People gossip laden magazine, I boarded the plane to the next dimension of my life.
We awoke to a 7 am text message that Noelle wanted breakfast. And a robe. I showered after 5 hours of sleep, called Cracker Barrel with a 2 page list of food and stumbled through WalMart trying to find a robe for the woman that just had my baby but I'm not sure if its my baby. We went to the hospital and waited two hours before I saw him for the first time. I watched Noelle and Richard eat their pancakes and sausage patties, talk about how awful the other parents were because the dad was singing Beautiful Boy by John Lennon and the mom didn't know how to change a diaper (but I don't really know how to change a diaper either) and Dash won't stop crying (because his off button is broken) and she just wants her methadone. Again. And they had to smoke another cigarette before they went back to the hospital room.
The nurse wheeled him into the room and he was sound asleep. I don't really know much about newborns so they kinda frighten me. I don't want to break them. Is he mine? Should I think about him being mine? She won't sign the papers until Tara (our adoption coordinator) arrives in four days. What if we get kicked out because we like Johnny Cash? I give Noelle a custom made necklace. She loves it and throws it around her neck. "That other mom, she gave me a bag from a nurse's convention. She didn't even bring me flowers or anything. Can you believe that? I mean, I was giving her a baby."
What I struggle with on some days is what to say. What to say to others when they ask about our adoption. What to say when they ask why Dash is so small or why his birth parents chose adoption. Do we have an open adoption? So everything is over, right? He is yours, right? What do I say to my son who wants to know about Noelle and Richard that gave him life, chose us as his parents and contested his adoption because they wanted more money? What do I say when Noelle wants to see him (she already asked)?
Adoption isn't perfect and most times, it breaks our hearts and fulfills them at the same time. Through all of this pain that came with this journey, I have great love from a little baby who looks up at me with joy as I turn the page in his Good Night Moon book. What do I say when I think of Noelle? She chose life. She chose us. She created a family.
The desires of our hearts are not always perfectly faceted when they become what they were meant to be. I cried on the phone to my priest and begged him to enlighten me, to say something, anything that would make me understand why our adoption had such a different face than I imagined. He said, "Heidi, Jesus calls you to His cross. It is all in His plan to love you."
"It is love alone that gives worth to all things," St. Therese of Avila.
So in five or ten or twenty years, when Dash asks his mama about his adoption, I will say anything that reflects love and kindness.
To every person, known and unknown that prayed for our little family, I offer all our suffering to you for whatever tugs at your hearts and will remain irrevocably in your debt. In our hearts you will always be!
Dash was born on a Tuesdayish. Noelle and Richard, his birth parents had been working with two couples. They took a total of $30,000 from us and another couple. This is fraud. This is a crime. Baby Dash was also born with a few additional health items that Noelle had omitted. They told so many lies in our interaction with them, it was hard to distinguish what was real and what was real to just them. I sat waiting for my delayed plane in Chicago to fly to Jacksonville with a blanket of friends and family comforting me. Texts of prayer, love and encouragement. I was at the beginning stages of exhaustion but just didn't know it. I had found myself and my husband in a tangled web of deceit, lies and thousands of dollars for one, new little life.
My father bought Jon and I next day plan tickets as we (not really) prepared to meet our 3 week early baby boy. I had an interview in Kalamazoo, which my dad drove me to, then drove me another almost two hours to the airport. I changed from a conservative, black suit to a pair of jeans I don't remember. My bag toppled over as I was trying to search for something and I sat down next to my dad. I was everything all at once: tired, angry, scared, hungry, not hungry, guarded, frightened to be hopeful. My dad told me I didn't have to leave right then. I could get another flight. If you don't know already, I have an amazing dad. As I grow older, I cherish each new moment where I feel 5 again and he is my hero, my safety and I believe he has the hidden power to make everything better. In between a sobbing mess, I asked my dad why all of this was happening to all of me. I tried my best to do everything right. I followed Catholic teaching, I didn't break any rules. Why does simply wanting to have a baby, hurt so very much? He cried too. Do you know why parents cry? It isn't because they hurt. My dad at that moment, couldn't be my hero and he knew it. He saw me in pain and couldn't take it away. He couldn't explain it, he couldn't fix it and while none of it was his to fix, he wanted those hidden magical powers.
With a puffy face and crumbled tissues, I approached the security line. A very nice guard, whipped out a box of Kleenex and told me she was going to pray for me. I should also mention that as I checked in, a question popped up on my screen, "Will an infant be traveling on your lap?" Not today. Not today. All the security guards that day were ungraciously kind to me. Another one handed me more Kleenex and asked if I was okay. They wanted to say something.
A rosary in my pocket and a People gossip laden magazine, I boarded the plane to the next dimension of my life.
We awoke to a 7 am text message that Noelle wanted breakfast. And a robe. I showered after 5 hours of sleep, called Cracker Barrel with a 2 page list of food and stumbled through WalMart trying to find a robe for the woman that just had my baby but I'm not sure if its my baby. We went to the hospital and waited two hours before I saw him for the first time. I watched Noelle and Richard eat their pancakes and sausage patties, talk about how awful the other parents were because the dad was singing Beautiful Boy by John Lennon and the mom didn't know how to change a diaper (but I don't really know how to change a diaper either) and Dash won't stop crying (because his off button is broken) and she just wants her methadone. Again. And they had to smoke another cigarette before they went back to the hospital room.
The nurse wheeled him into the room and he was sound asleep. I don't really know much about newborns so they kinda frighten me. I don't want to break them. Is he mine? Should I think about him being mine? She won't sign the papers until Tara (our adoption coordinator) arrives in four days. What if we get kicked out because we like Johnny Cash? I give Noelle a custom made necklace. She loves it and throws it around her neck. "That other mom, she gave me a bag from a nurse's convention. She didn't even bring me flowers or anything. Can you believe that? I mean, I was giving her a baby."
What I struggle with on some days is what to say. What to say to others when they ask about our adoption. What to say when they ask why Dash is so small or why his birth parents chose adoption. Do we have an open adoption? So everything is over, right? He is yours, right? What do I say to my son who wants to know about Noelle and Richard that gave him life, chose us as his parents and contested his adoption because they wanted more money? What do I say when Noelle wants to see him (she already asked)?
Adoption isn't perfect and most times, it breaks our hearts and fulfills them at the same time. Through all of this pain that came with this journey, I have great love from a little baby who looks up at me with joy as I turn the page in his Good Night Moon book. What do I say when I think of Noelle? She chose life. She chose us. She created a family.
The desires of our hearts are not always perfectly faceted when they become what they were meant to be. I cried on the phone to my priest and begged him to enlighten me, to say something, anything that would make me understand why our adoption had such a different face than I imagined. He said, "Heidi, Jesus calls you to His cross. It is all in His plan to love you."
"It is love alone that gives worth to all things," St. Therese of Avila.
So in five or ten or twenty years, when Dash asks his mama about his adoption, I will say anything that reflects love and kindness.
To every person, known and unknown that prayed for our little family, I offer all our suffering to you for whatever tugs at your hearts and will remain irrevocably in your debt. In our hearts you will always be!
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Gemini Riders!
"...We are going to take you up 500 feet (or something really high). Please keep your hands and feet inside the carts at all times! Enjoy your ride!"
Ever been on that ride at Cedar Point with the blue and red carts that race? That's my favorite. My friends and I rode that roller coaster again and again on a slow day, throwing our arms up and racing the opposite cart. Back when life wasn't so fast and overfilling with responsibilities, health insurance and retirement planning. After a few months of standing in line for the roller coaster of our life, we stepped to the front of the line and buckled in with joy and fear splattered across our faces. Here we go.
A birth mom chose us on a Tuesday morning when life didn't seem too demanding or exciting. The race quickly began and we found ourselves making tough decisions in a short amount of time. Let's call her "N" for short. She was thought to be having twins, but that wasn't the case. She is having a boy! And chose us.
But you are a chosen race, a kingdom of priests, a holy nation, a people to be a personal possession to sing the praises of God who called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light. 1Peter 2:9
Ever been on that ride at Cedar Point with the blue and red carts that race? That's my favorite. My friends and I rode that roller coaster again and again on a slow day, throwing our arms up and racing the opposite cart. Back when life wasn't so fast and overfilling with responsibilities, health insurance and retirement planning. After a few months of standing in line for the roller coaster of our life, we stepped to the front of the line and buckled in with joy and fear splattered across our faces. Here we go.
A birth mom chose us on a Tuesday morning when life didn't seem too demanding or exciting. The race quickly began and we found ourselves making tough decisions in a short amount of time. Let's call her "N" for short. She was thought to be having twins, but that wasn't the case. She is having a boy! And chose us.
But you are a chosen race, a kingdom of priests, a holy nation, a people to be a personal possession to sing the praises of God who called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light. 1Peter 2:9
Finally out of darkness with beautiful shimmers of light with the promise from one mom to another, we moved from hopeful parents to expecting parents. Adoption suddenly became real instead of simply abstract. With cautious steps to guard our hearts, we must tell our family and friends this great news! Its real! So the following Sunday at mass, we were enveloped with overabundant joy for our awaited prayers. How amazingly sweet is our God that showers us with love from our parish family? Something that once seemed unobtainable will sneak up quickly and transform our lives into something we could never have imagined. With twists and turns and upside down flips, we continue on the adoption journey.
When I had heard N chose me to become a mother, I cried. A complete stranger created a dream come true for me. Wow! She doesn't even know me. I just look good on paper. I'm ashamed because I doubted God's plan and thought this day would never happen. That's an amazing gift to share with someone, anyone, especially someone you have never even met. People ask many questions about N, her situation, the baby, her health and lifestyle choices, but honestly it doesn't really matter. Two things matter. She chose LIFE. She chose us. The baby is healthy and due on November 20. Life isn't happy because perfect swooped in and sprinkled perfect magic dust all around the edges. N has made one of the most difficult choices a single person can make. She accepted that what her baby needs is something more than she can give him at this time in her life.
Some people will tell me that I might get pregnant after this. I do appreciate your thoughts, but getting pregnant is not something I need to feel complete or worthy or even, happy. My ovaries are a little glued together right now and its just not too likely conception will happen. I just want to be a mom.
Apparently some Notre Dame professor (male, of course) wrote an article that the Catholic Church "makes life impossible for infertile women." Nope. It does not. The Catholic Church, Mr. Fancy Pants Degree Man, makes life POSSIBLE for women with fertility issues. With my Catholic faith, I embrace my fertility challenges. I'm closer to Jesus at every run to Walmart to transfer money to Florida, every phone call from one attorney to the next to understand laws and statutes and wide eyes at 5am because I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I'm scared to give my heart to a little human being safely tucked away in his mother's womb, waiting for me; scared because he might never make it to my arms. If I lived to be 100 without a single child to call me mom, at the end of every day, I would STILL love Jesus with every ounce of my beating heart. My soul is His and this cross I bear, will carry me to heaven, even if I am pricked with a thousand thorns along the way. It will not crush me, Mr. Fancy Pants, it will carry me! The Church gives a clear path to fertility struggles and that path isn't determined by what we desire, but what God has designed for us. Trust. Even when it bloody sucks and every dart thrown at you is from the Devil himself, TRUST. That, my friend is the Catholic Church. (Kazaam, Bop, Pow!)
So, what's next? How is the adoption going? Do people ask how the pregnancy is going? I don't have food cravings or lots of doctors appointments and on certain days, I might be trying to juggle work (a million phone calls with patients, doctors and therapists), attorneys, part time job, laundry, husband, dinner, ministry stuff, adoption details (money, birth mom, adoption agency, money, a million phone calls, Walmart people, no maternity leave, vacation time, hotels, and on and on). Did I forget my hair appointment again? Snap, I forgot to call so-and-so back. Repeat, rewind, repeat. There's my answer. That's how its going. And soon, we will be driving to Florida. Is this really happening? Pinch me.
Pray for N, for baby Dash (yep that's his name) and our hearts, that they remain open to this journey. Because one day, the ride will pull into the station and come to a jolting stop. And then the real ride begins.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Elevator Music
Well, our adoption homestudy is complete. Papers, signatures, TB tests, fingerprints and background checks are clear. Even our pets are healthy. Now what? Sit tight. Stare at the phone. Apply for a loan and probably cancel cable. (Its pretty much the end of the world or reality shows) I'm sure looking back, this frozen time, I might not even remember it; the unknown bitter hope.
A million couples are like us (really that's how many couples are out there with infertility wanting to adopt), though I don't seem to know too many in my zip code that can't conceive. Its still Jon and I at parties, without a kid to watch over to make sure he doesn't get into the dog food or knock over a priceless vase from Macy's. Our life is quiet, really. Work and more work. Dinner. Friends. Mass. Baby shower invites, Facebook status updates (oh she just had a baby?) and work folk asking me when I'm going to have a little one! (Because I haven't figured out how all the parts and labor work?)
I thought at one time I had everything with infertility figured out. I would proudly accept the thorns and carry my cross to educate others on NFP (Natural Family Planning), abortion, adoption and our ever amazing and loving God. Its dwindling down to a club of one, because sometimes the group members of infertility escape and a cloud of pregnancy bliss envelops them. Honestly, I don't have this infertility junk figured out in the slightest. The female body is a being all its own. The good doctors will tell you, "I don't know why some women conceive and some do not."
My husband commented that he has never seem me so motivated at anything. (He hasn't seem me play Chinese Checkers) I sat at the doctor's office for half an hour three times just to get another signature because the ink didn't look real (or something). I had a firey meltdown when the agency said that the signature wasn't original and I needed to go back. Again. Its not really a big deal. Its done and we are waiting for a birth mom. (Labor pains, right?) But in those moments, you want to scream at the guy in the car next to you because you're just angry. It isn't simple. And then it hits you. You are NOT like other girls that think they have control over their fertility. You can't get pregnant. Sorry. You're not on 16 and Pregnant whining about how your life will change and you can't go to the mall whenever you want or you baby doesn't have pink Nikes because they are $35. You are also NOT Angelina Jolie that zips on over to Africa to grab the next dimension of the Pitt clan. Nope. You are a working, responsible adult that wants to be a mom. You have extra life insurance (because the state requires it). And your abdomen is frozen with a spider web of adhesions.
Now more than anything, I am just nervous. I don't have a clue what to buy for a new little life and I'm broke anyway so its even more overwhelming. Formula or breast milk from a milk bank ($1 an ounce at 30 ounces a day)? Car seats, cloth or trashy diapers? And then private school. How will I ever work enough to pay for all of these things for a little new life?
Psalm 143:8 "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."
And here is our King, Jesus Christ who keeps begging me to come closer. Trust me, love me. You do not need to worry. (But I can't possibly NOT worry) This verse speaks to me in so many ways. Here we are just on a ferris wheel that takes you up slowly and then stops as others get off, smiling and hugging and maybe even wanting to get on again. That wait seems to feel like ages, because there at the top, you just watch everyone below. You know the ride will end and you will too, one day have a baby that God places in your arms and on your heart.
I know that birth mothers have a tough road. They have to place their child with strangers. A birth mother has to ultimately trust that her child will have the best possible life with this hopeful couple in front of her. And I have to trust too. I can't just say I trust God and I'm a-okay with his plan for me. He doesn't want you to just go through the motions (stand up sit down communion confession ministry). He didn't promise those who follow Him that the ride would be smooth sailing with rainbow kisses.
We all have something that aches our hearts and puzzles our minds. I'm not that different than any other struggling Catholic girl. On the days when waiting is hard, I rejoice in my freedom, my quiet house, my time with friends and my parents that I am ever so thankful to have in my life. I'm praying for the trust my birth mother had when she saw a photo of my parents. Her little girl, had a pretty great childhood.
Psalm 86:2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.
Q &A
Where are you adopting from?
I think people are asking, are you getting a baby from the deep of Africa? Nope. The lovely, extravagant state of Indiana.
Are you adopting an infant?
Most likely yes. It all depends on what the agency presents to us when a birth mother chooses us.
How long will it be to wait?
Forever. The agency almost always places first time parents within 12 months. An average wait time is 9-12 months, but that polar vortex brought in stork reinforcements. So it might be more like 4 months.
A million couples are like us (really that's how many couples are out there with infertility wanting to adopt), though I don't seem to know too many in my zip code that can't conceive. Its still Jon and I at parties, without a kid to watch over to make sure he doesn't get into the dog food or knock over a priceless vase from Macy's. Our life is quiet, really. Work and more work. Dinner. Friends. Mass. Baby shower invites, Facebook status updates (oh she just had a baby?) and work folk asking me when I'm going to have a little one! (Because I haven't figured out how all the parts and labor work?)
I thought at one time I had everything with infertility figured out. I would proudly accept the thorns and carry my cross to educate others on NFP (Natural Family Planning), abortion, adoption and our ever amazing and loving God. Its dwindling down to a club of one, because sometimes the group members of infertility escape and a cloud of pregnancy bliss envelops them. Honestly, I don't have this infertility junk figured out in the slightest. The female body is a being all its own. The good doctors will tell you, "I don't know why some women conceive and some do not."
My husband commented that he has never seem me so motivated at anything. (He hasn't seem me play Chinese Checkers) I sat at the doctor's office for half an hour three times just to get another signature because the ink didn't look real (or something). I had a firey meltdown when the agency said that the signature wasn't original and I needed to go back. Again. Its not really a big deal. Its done and we are waiting for a birth mom. (Labor pains, right?) But in those moments, you want to scream at the guy in the car next to you because you're just angry. It isn't simple. And then it hits you. You are NOT like other girls that think they have control over their fertility. You can't get pregnant. Sorry. You're not on 16 and Pregnant whining about how your life will change and you can't go to the mall whenever you want or you baby doesn't have pink Nikes because they are $35. You are also NOT Angelina Jolie that zips on over to Africa to grab the next dimension of the Pitt clan. Nope. You are a working, responsible adult that wants to be a mom. You have extra life insurance (because the state requires it). And your abdomen is frozen with a spider web of adhesions.
Now more than anything, I am just nervous. I don't have a clue what to buy for a new little life and I'm broke anyway so its even more overwhelming. Formula or breast milk from a milk bank ($1 an ounce at 30 ounces a day)? Car seats, cloth or trashy diapers? And then private school. How will I ever work enough to pay for all of these things for a little new life?
Psalm 143:8 "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."
And here is our King, Jesus Christ who keeps begging me to come closer. Trust me, love me. You do not need to worry. (But I can't possibly NOT worry) This verse speaks to me in so many ways. Here we are just on a ferris wheel that takes you up slowly and then stops as others get off, smiling and hugging and maybe even wanting to get on again. That wait seems to feel like ages, because there at the top, you just watch everyone below. You know the ride will end and you will too, one day have a baby that God places in your arms and on your heart.
I know that birth mothers have a tough road. They have to place their child with strangers. A birth mother has to ultimately trust that her child will have the best possible life with this hopeful couple in front of her. And I have to trust too. I can't just say I trust God and I'm a-okay with his plan for me. He doesn't want you to just go through the motions (stand up sit down communion confession ministry). He didn't promise those who follow Him that the ride would be smooth sailing with rainbow kisses.
We all have something that aches our hearts and puzzles our minds. I'm not that different than any other struggling Catholic girl. On the days when waiting is hard, I rejoice in my freedom, my quiet house, my time with friends and my parents that I am ever so thankful to have in my life. I'm praying for the trust my birth mother had when she saw a photo of my parents. Her little girl, had a pretty great childhood.
Psalm 86:2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.
Q &A
Where are you adopting from?
I think people are asking, are you getting a baby from the deep of Africa? Nope. The lovely, extravagant state of Indiana.
Are you adopting an infant?
Most likely yes. It all depends on what the agency presents to us when a birth mother chooses us.
How long will it be to wait?
Forever. The agency almost always places first time parents within 12 months. An average wait time is 9-12 months, but that polar vortex brought in stork reinforcements. So it might be more like 4 months.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Baby Boom
Last October, Jon and I made an appointment at Adoption Support Center in Indianapolis after a suggestion from a friend. We had visited Bethany Christian the previous year but did not completely understand our fertility issues at that time. After visiting that agency and hearing the cost, we learned of a new agency in South Bend, Holy Family Adoption which was significantly less expensive. We started the process with that agency but soon felt it was not the best match for us. Since everyone asks me, I DID call Catholic Charities several times. Unfortunately, this agency has greatly slowed in their adoptions and were very difficult to even get a return phone call. We really like ASC because of their extreme professionalism, honesty and longevity. They are celebrating 28 years as an agency. They work with one attorney and truly understand the market for adoption. They have a support system for you and the birth mother after placement. AND they make a goal to have a baby for you within a year. The cost is still between $20-35,000 for DOMESTIC adoption. Yep. That's a down payment on a house. I get it. That's our agency out there working for us to create our family!
We needed a few more months to get our life in order, figure out my baby oven drama and save some cold hard cash (Thank you all you Norwex lovies!). We chose June in December of last year to start the process. What the bleep?! Its June already. Checkbook in the glove compartment, we headed to Indy at 7 am on Thursday.
Hours were already spent answering a biographical questionnaire and gathering data about our families. Does anyone know the marriage date of their paternal and maternal grandparents? How are your bowel movements? Have you ever _______? Give us your tax returns, letters of recommendation notarized, birth certificate and your MASH results from 5th grade. (If you know what this is, you win a prize)
Friday we get a name tag, a notebook and a comfy spot for the next 12 hours along with 5 other hopeful couples. We meet adoptive parents and hear their story. We meet a birth mother that has also been adopted in 1993 by the agency. She was full of passion for adoption and even wants to work for the agency after college. We took a break for lunch and walked to a restaurant. We were the 5 amigos. all childless, all infertile. Finally! People like us! We shared insensitivities that common folk blurt out at us and how it hurts and then how we smile back and try to be witty. We share our fears about adoption and being "chosen."
A few things struck me at this adoption pow wow: One couple had matching outfits. I don't think they planned it but the husband and wife were both wearing khakis, a blue top and tan boat shoes. EVERY couple but Jon and I had attempted IVF at least once. Even the adoption coordinator. One couple had struggled 11 years with infertility. THREE couples including Jon and I are Catholic. What brought sadness to me was EVERY couple had tried IVF, including the 3 Catholic couples. The biggest fear everyone but Jon and I had was the CONTROL. I was overwhelmed with love from Jesus THE ENTIRE DAY! I love you. Thank you for trusting me, thank you for following me. Two years of trying to conceive, charting and testing. It wasn't fun, it was messy, it was hard. I was angry. I was sad. I was JEALOUS. I was confused. I was a sin box junkie. I prayed for one thing consistently through all of this. Jesus, bring me closer to you. Let me be your humble servant. Give me the grace to trust you and love you through all this pain and confusion. Let the Holy Spirit shine through me so others may see your light, your face and receive your grace. I gave up long ago asking for a pregnancy. It will always lightly sting when I see or hear of others expecting and that's okay. Now instead of sadness, I rejoice for them and thank God for their miracle and hope that they are joyous too!
We all sin. A lot or a little and even again and again. As much as I wanna be perfect (like Mary or Jesus) I'm so not. I have 2 small soap boxes here and then I'm done. #1. As a Christian, as a human being BE PRO LIFE. We can not be a race that kills one another before we even have a chance for greatness or failure. #2. Seek the truth about IVF, especially if you are Catholic. Learn why it isn't God's plan for us. #3. Whoops. Speak positively about adoption. Gossip the shitakke mushrooms out of me. Tell my story. I'm living proof that adoption saved my life, created a family and brought my heart and my husband through this journey.
I thought it might be better to use this as a Q & A format because I get asked these questions repeatedly.
1. Did you try IVF or a surrogate?
Nope. These procedures are not in line with our Catholic faith. And we could try both and have a messy situation or worse yet, no baby.
2. You could still get pregnant. There is hope. My cousin's sister's friend's aunt....
You don't have to say this to me. It isn't comforting and I have accepted infertility as my cross.
3. Once you adopt, you will get pregnant. That always happens!
How about a looksie in my abdomen? It's a hot mess in there. My ovaries ain't got no time for that. Again, you don't have to say this to me or any other couple like us.
4. Are you adopting internationally?
Nope. I've always had my heart set on a little Asian girl, but for so many reasons, it wasn't the best option for us.
5. Good! Because there are sooooooooo many babies here that need good homes.
If you are referring to the foster care system, I called them and they told me they don't have babies. Yes there are children in foster care that need a good family. Unfortunately, that isn't the best for my family right now. Plus, those children internationally have HORRIBLE situations and are usually abandoned. I think its beautiful decision to adopt anywhere in the world.
6. Do you get to choose the sex of your baby?
Nope. Kinda the same as a pregnancy. God will give us the baby we are supposed to have. Our profile is shown to birth mothers and the agency contacts us when a birth mother would like to meet us or a baby fits our profile (fall in your lap happens once a month).
7. How long is the process?
Any time between 9-12 months, but it could be sooner.
8. Does Open Adoption mean co-parenting?
Absolutely not. We share pictures and letters with the birth mother/parents and if they would like, meetings with our child throughout their life. It is important that the birthmother feel confident that her baby is safe and happy. We honor her for choosing us to be parents! A comfortable distance is determined by ourselves and the birthmother.
9. When is the adoption final?
3-4 months after all legal stuff is in order we go to Marion County and the Judgey Poo signs his name that our baby is OURS!
10. Are you going to have a baby shower?
Absolutely! Just after we know our baby is legally ours :)
11. Are you getting a newborn?
We would like a newborn, but sometimes the agency gets sibling groups or babies a little older. We are open to God's plan!
12. I saw a post on Facebook about baby something. Did you get your baby?
Please know that I will shout with JOY and will announce to everyone that we have a baby. You don't need to ask. Sometimes I post photos but trust me, I WILL tell you when its a done deal!
13. How can I help you guys?
Pray for our unknown birthmother! This is a scary and extremely difficult decision for her. Once she chooses us, we still have some time before she gives birth and signs papers. It is possible and legal that she could change her mind. So many women are in the most heart breaking situations. Please pray that Mary intercedes for them and envelops these mommies with her love!
Thank you all for listening! If you have said anything to me in the above questions, I'm not offended. I just want to educate the world about infertility and adoption! Well, really loving Jesus is the bestest :)
Toodles!
ps. Go watch the movie Baby Boom. Its a movie my Mom and I LOVE and watch together.
We needed a few more months to get our life in order, figure out my baby oven drama and save some cold hard cash (Thank you all you Norwex lovies!). We chose June in December of last year to start the process. What the bleep?! Its June already. Checkbook in the glove compartment, we headed to Indy at 7 am on Thursday.
Hours were already spent answering a biographical questionnaire and gathering data about our families. Does anyone know the marriage date of their paternal and maternal grandparents? How are your bowel movements? Have you ever _______? Give us your tax returns, letters of recommendation notarized, birth certificate and your MASH results from 5th grade. (If you know what this is, you win a prize)
Friday we get a name tag, a notebook and a comfy spot for the next 12 hours along with 5 other hopeful couples. We meet adoptive parents and hear their story. We meet a birth mother that has also been adopted in 1993 by the agency. She was full of passion for adoption and even wants to work for the agency after college. We took a break for lunch and walked to a restaurant. We were the 5 amigos. all childless, all infertile. Finally! People like us! We shared insensitivities that common folk blurt out at us and how it hurts and then how we smile back and try to be witty. We share our fears about adoption and being "chosen."
A few things struck me at this adoption pow wow: One couple had matching outfits. I don't think they planned it but the husband and wife were both wearing khakis, a blue top and tan boat shoes. EVERY couple but Jon and I had attempted IVF at least once. Even the adoption coordinator. One couple had struggled 11 years with infertility. THREE couples including Jon and I are Catholic. What brought sadness to me was EVERY couple had tried IVF, including the 3 Catholic couples. The biggest fear everyone but Jon and I had was the CONTROL. I was overwhelmed with love from Jesus THE ENTIRE DAY! I love you. Thank you for trusting me, thank you for following me. Two years of trying to conceive, charting and testing. It wasn't fun, it was messy, it was hard. I was angry. I was sad. I was JEALOUS. I was confused. I was a sin box junkie. I prayed for one thing consistently through all of this. Jesus, bring me closer to you. Let me be your humble servant. Give me the grace to trust you and love you through all this pain and confusion. Let the Holy Spirit shine through me so others may see your light, your face and receive your grace. I gave up long ago asking for a pregnancy. It will always lightly sting when I see or hear of others expecting and that's okay. Now instead of sadness, I rejoice for them and thank God for their miracle and hope that they are joyous too!
We all sin. A lot or a little and even again and again. As much as I wanna be perfect (like Mary or Jesus) I'm so not. I have 2 small soap boxes here and then I'm done. #1. As a Christian, as a human being BE PRO LIFE. We can not be a race that kills one another before we even have a chance for greatness or failure. #2. Seek the truth about IVF, especially if you are Catholic. Learn why it isn't God's plan for us. #3. Whoops. Speak positively about adoption. Gossip the shitakke mushrooms out of me. Tell my story. I'm living proof that adoption saved my life, created a family and brought my heart and my husband through this journey.
I thought it might be better to use this as a Q & A format because I get asked these questions repeatedly.
1. Did you try IVF or a surrogate?
Nope. These procedures are not in line with our Catholic faith. And we could try both and have a messy situation or worse yet, no baby.
2. You could still get pregnant. There is hope. My cousin's sister's friend's aunt....
You don't have to say this to me. It isn't comforting and I have accepted infertility as my cross.
3. Once you adopt, you will get pregnant. That always happens!
How about a looksie in my abdomen? It's a hot mess in there. My ovaries ain't got no time for that. Again, you don't have to say this to me or any other couple like us.
4. Are you adopting internationally?
Nope. I've always had my heart set on a little Asian girl, but for so many reasons, it wasn't the best option for us.
5. Good! Because there are sooooooooo many babies here that need good homes.
If you are referring to the foster care system, I called them and they told me they don't have babies. Yes there are children in foster care that need a good family. Unfortunately, that isn't the best for my family right now. Plus, those children internationally have HORRIBLE situations and are usually abandoned. I think its beautiful decision to adopt anywhere in the world.
6. Do you get to choose the sex of your baby?
Nope. Kinda the same as a pregnancy. God will give us the baby we are supposed to have. Our profile is shown to birth mothers and the agency contacts us when a birth mother would like to meet us or a baby fits our profile (fall in your lap happens once a month).
7. How long is the process?
Any time between 9-12 months, but it could be sooner.
8. Does Open Adoption mean co-parenting?
Absolutely not. We share pictures and letters with the birth mother/parents and if they would like, meetings with our child throughout their life. It is important that the birthmother feel confident that her baby is safe and happy. We honor her for choosing us to be parents! A comfortable distance is determined by ourselves and the birthmother.
9. When is the adoption final?
3-4 months after all legal stuff is in order we go to Marion County and the Judgey Poo signs his name that our baby is OURS!
10. Are you going to have a baby shower?
Absolutely! Just after we know our baby is legally ours :)
11. Are you getting a newborn?
We would like a newborn, but sometimes the agency gets sibling groups or babies a little older. We are open to God's plan!
12. I saw a post on Facebook about baby something. Did you get your baby?
Please know that I will shout with JOY and will announce to everyone that we have a baby. You don't need to ask. Sometimes I post photos but trust me, I WILL tell you when its a done deal!
13. How can I help you guys?
Pray for our unknown birthmother! This is a scary and extremely difficult decision for her. Once she chooses us, we still have some time before she gives birth and signs papers. It is possible and legal that she could change her mind. So many women are in the most heart breaking situations. Please pray that Mary intercedes for them and envelops these mommies with her love!
Thank you all for listening! If you have said anything to me in the above questions, I'm not offended. I just want to educate the world about infertility and adoption! Well, really loving Jesus is the bestest :)
Toodles!
ps. Go watch the movie Baby Boom. Its a movie my Mom and I LOVE and watch together.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Mirror, Mirror
Lord, what can I do for you today? Grant me the wisdom to make my choices and my thoughts your will so that I may be blessed with your grace.
That's hard, right? Doing what God wants and not want we want. Yep. I struggle with this prayer pretty much every day. Then a moment strikes me as a drive a million miles in the car. When I let the Holy Spirit guide me, I am so much stronger, so much happier and definitely taking steps to becoming holier.
I'm not a mother. I do not have children. And its a little awkward when people ask, "How many kids do you have?" I want to be truthful but I don't want the confused look that comes afterward or the textbook advice that follows. "Well, you know, option X worked for this girl of a friend I know." Great. As previously stated, I'm not her. I do hope to be a mother one day, but for now, God blesses me with spiritual motherhood and for that I am graciously thankful.
Yesterday, I helped with a junior high retreat from 8:30 in the morning until 10ish in the evening. For the first time in my life, I felt like a mom. The girls asked me to help them with their make up, they came to me with a nose bleed, they had me hold a million things for them (sweatshirts, phones, gloves, socks, snacks) and then they came to me to pray for them. I found myself worrying when we drove in the car. What if someone hits us and they get hurt? What if some crazy stranger corners them in the bathroom? What if another girl says something and hurts their feelings? What if they just feel alone? How am I going to protect them and have answers for them? And then, I just enjoyed being with them. I delighted in seeing them ice skate and have fun and helping others. We were silly and had fun and then we just spent time with Jesus. They opened their hearts and in some ways, Jesus healed mine.
We spent all day strengthening these girls and showing them that they are worth so much more than what they see in a mirror. They are a daughter of the one true King. He loves them and they are ENOUGH, just the way they are, as He does not make mistakes. And then you see yourself and ask, What am I? I'm older and wiser. Yep. Or am I? You realize that you are just like them. Afraid. Broken. Worried about the future and wanting to control so much in our lives. It was just yesterday that I was 12, wasn't it? I was just krimping my hair and waiting to get my braces off. When did I become 35 with a career, husband and a mortgage? I'm still just like them. Still desiring to be loved, accepted and wanted.
I struggle with my wants and God's will and I don't think it may ever get completely easy. I want the chance to be a mother, to be loved by a child and to share the joys and struggles of a child with my husband. I want to experience seeing my parents as grandparents and learning from them so that I can provide my children with love and wisdom. I just want to be worthy of the chance of parenthood.
The ache of infertility dulls over time and my mother says when a baby is placed in my arms through adoption it will fade away. When I see a curly haired little boy, I think, I can't ever have that - a boy that looks like Jon. And then I look at a photo from Christmas 1980 something. My mother and I, same hair cut, same outfit, same smile. Of course I know that I don't need a baby that looks just like me. I'm still learning, still praying for God's beautiful plan to embrace me. And yet maybe, it already has.
That's hard, right? Doing what God wants and not want we want. Yep. I struggle with this prayer pretty much every day. Then a moment strikes me as a drive a million miles in the car. When I let the Holy Spirit guide me, I am so much stronger, so much happier and definitely taking steps to becoming holier.
I'm not a mother. I do not have children. And its a little awkward when people ask, "How many kids do you have?" I want to be truthful but I don't want the confused look that comes afterward or the textbook advice that follows. "Well, you know, option X worked for this girl of a friend I know." Great. As previously stated, I'm not her. I do hope to be a mother one day, but for now, God blesses me with spiritual motherhood and for that I am graciously thankful.
Yesterday, I helped with a junior high retreat from 8:30 in the morning until 10ish in the evening. For the first time in my life, I felt like a mom. The girls asked me to help them with their make up, they came to me with a nose bleed, they had me hold a million things for them (sweatshirts, phones, gloves, socks, snacks) and then they came to me to pray for them. I found myself worrying when we drove in the car. What if someone hits us and they get hurt? What if some crazy stranger corners them in the bathroom? What if another girl says something and hurts their feelings? What if they just feel alone? How am I going to protect them and have answers for them? And then, I just enjoyed being with them. I delighted in seeing them ice skate and have fun and helping others. We were silly and had fun and then we just spent time with Jesus. They opened their hearts and in some ways, Jesus healed mine.
We spent all day strengthening these girls and showing them that they are worth so much more than what they see in a mirror. They are a daughter of the one true King. He loves them and they are ENOUGH, just the way they are, as He does not make mistakes. And then you see yourself and ask, What am I? I'm older and wiser. Yep. Or am I? You realize that you are just like them. Afraid. Broken. Worried about the future and wanting to control so much in our lives. It was just yesterday that I was 12, wasn't it? I was just krimping my hair and waiting to get my braces off. When did I become 35 with a career, husband and a mortgage? I'm still just like them. Still desiring to be loved, accepted and wanted.
I struggle with my wants and God's will and I don't think it may ever get completely easy. I want the chance to be a mother, to be loved by a child and to share the joys and struggles of a child with my husband. I want to experience seeing my parents as grandparents and learning from them so that I can provide my children with love and wisdom. I just want to be worthy of the chance of parenthood.
The ache of infertility dulls over time and my mother says when a baby is placed in my arms through adoption it will fade away. When I see a curly haired little boy, I think, I can't ever have that - a boy that looks like Jon. And then I look at a photo from Christmas 1980 something. My mother and I, same hair cut, same outfit, same smile. Of course I know that I don't need a baby that looks just like me. I'm still learning, still praying for God's beautiful plan to embrace me. And yet maybe, it already has.
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