I wanted to write a review about the last episode of This is Us as it encompasses my heart on so many levels. The show is by far brilliant, giving us a picture of what a family looks like when incorporated by adoption. In the center of it all, amidst the pain, excitement, stress and joy, is irrevocably always love.
If you aren't a super fan of This is Us (you need to watch one episode to fall in love) I will give a brief synopsis: A couple gives birth to twins, but was expecting triplets as one did not survive. A man brings a baby into the hospital the same day and states he can not care for him. The couple, mourning the death of one baby, decides to adopt this little guy and name him Randall. Randall is black while his family is white. His mother meets his biological father shortly after Randall's birth. He tells her that he is a drug addict, the baby's mother died from her addiction and he simply knew he couldn't care for their child. He asks her if he can visit Randall from time to time and she declines that offer. She will send photos and letters, but she doesn't feel its a good idea to be in Randall's life. Fast forward thirty five years later and Randall discovers that his mother, Rebeca knew the identity of his biological father his entire life and did not tell him. He is incredibly hurt and expresses an array of emotions towards his mother, which ultimately breaks her heart.
Watching this episode, I knew what would happen. I sat watching the mother knowing why she made that choice in the past and exactly how Randall would feel. I am an adoptee that had a closed adoption. I have never met my birth parents. My mom and dad were always honest and open about my adoption and what information they had. I still do not have any identifying information about either parent. As a child, I always believed adoption to be magical, special and distinct. I was chosen, my parents told me. They wanted me and they waited so long to have me in their life. I was never made to feel as an outsider, though I truly desired to know my biological parents. To see them. To know whose nose I have. What her voice sounds like, what color his eyes are and what his parents do on Sundays. I wanted to know these things because I wanted to know where I came from and who I came from as in some way to determine who I should be.
Randall felt deprived of this the moment he knew his mother had kept his biological family from him. He thought, "Maybe I am not who I should be. Maybe I was meant to be someone else. Maybe my birth father could have made a difference in my life." What he doesn't see is the view from a mother's heart. She made a decision to protect her son and her family when she met Randall's birth father. She probably didn't know much about adoption and didn't want a man with a drug problem and a life of instability to be involved in her son's life. She made a decision as a mother to protect her son from disappointment, hurt feelings and confusion. As time passed, she should have told him. I suppose she worried what her son would think of her, what he would think of this man and ultimately what he would think of himself.
My son is adopted. His birth parents have a past rich in drug abuse and years in jail and prison. They want to see him. We have a private Facebook page where I share photos and updates about what he is doing. They have to be drug free and not have committed any crimes. Sadly, since the adoption finalization, they both have been back in jail, not once but twice. They have lived a life full of poor choices, but they still chose us to raise their son as our own. One day, I will have to make the same choice Rebeca did. I want my son to know his birth parents. I don't want him, however to feel as though he is defined by the past choices of his parents.
His birth mother asked me never to tell him about her drug use during her pregnancy. She said, "I don't want him to think that's a part of him. That he will be drawn to do drugs too." What she was really saying: "I want him to have a chance. A different life than my own. I don't want my past to ruin his future."
So Rebeca saw that man as a threat to her son's future, his emotional well being, his potential, his safety. She didn't make a wrong choice, she did what all mothers do when they are given the task. And that is to make the best decision you can for your child in that moment. Should she have told him at some point in his adult life? Absolutely. But sometimes, fear takes hold of our hearts and we avoid sharing that truth because we just don't know the outcome. We fear what the other person will say and do and if they will think differently about us. We fear losing the relationship we worked so long to build. We fear losing love.
I have heard of some adoptive parents just not telling their children they are adopted, which is heartbreakingly wrong. Adoption isn't something to be ashamed of or to hide in the back closet. Choosing not to acknowledge your child has a biological family hurts everyone in the end. Your child, like Randall won't trust you. They will create a dichotomy that their entire life was a lie, which in some ways, it was. Children don't need a lie or their past hidden because it wasn't perfect or their parents had a lifetime of bad choices. If anything, we can show them that they are indeed NOT defined by choices that were not their own. That through adoption, their parents became parents. That even though so many bad choices were made by their biological parents, they made one very good one: to choose a better life for their child, even though it meant placing their child with a different family. And almost every time, breaking their own heart to do it.
I'm hoping Randall will talk to his mother and see her love for him. Because when he sees who he has become, he would not be who is today without that choice she made. And now it is his choice how to move forward.
As parents, we don't know sometimes about the choices we make today, how they will result in the future. But we make these choices in love, we try our hardest to minimize broken hearts and struggles in our children because we want them to have every opportunity for happiness.
My son will always know that he is greatly loved by his family as he knows us and his birth family. My wish for him is to be kind and generous to others. And when he meets them, he will thank them for choosing his life, for giving him the journey they struggled to give themselves.
And one day, I hope to meet my birth parents. To thank them for choosing life, for making my mom's dream of becoming a mother and for giving me the best parents on the planet. I don't care about the details of why they couldn't keep me, because I would never be the Heidi as I am known today.
Adoption IS actually love. In every single way.
