Well, our adoption homestudy is complete. Papers, signatures, TB tests, fingerprints and background checks are clear. Even our pets are healthy. Now what? Sit tight. Stare at the phone. Apply for a loan and probably cancel cable. (Its pretty much the end of the world or reality shows) I'm sure looking back, this frozen time, I might not even remember it; the unknown bitter hope.
A million couples are like us (really that's how many couples are out there with infertility wanting to adopt), though I don't seem to know too many in my zip code that can't conceive. Its still Jon and I at parties, without a kid to watch over to make sure he doesn't get into the dog food or knock over a priceless vase from Macy's. Our life is quiet, really. Work and more work. Dinner. Friends. Mass. Baby shower invites, Facebook status updates (oh she just had a baby?) and work folk asking me when I'm going to have a little one! (Because I haven't figured out how all the parts and labor work?)
I thought at one time I had everything with infertility figured out. I would proudly accept the thorns and carry my cross to educate others on NFP (Natural Family Planning), abortion, adoption and our ever amazing and loving God. Its dwindling down to a club of one, because sometimes the group members of infertility escape and a cloud of pregnancy bliss envelops them. Honestly, I don't have this infertility junk figured out in the slightest. The female body is a being all its own. The good doctors will tell you, "I don't know why some women conceive and some do not."
My husband commented that he has never seem me so motivated at anything. (He hasn't seem me play Chinese Checkers) I sat at the doctor's office for half an hour three times just to get another signature because the ink didn't look real (or something). I had a firey meltdown when the agency said that the signature wasn't original and I needed to go back. Again. Its not really a big deal. Its done and we are waiting for a birth mom. (Labor pains, right?) But in those moments, you want to scream at the guy in the car next to you because you're just angry. It isn't simple. And then it hits you. You are NOT like other girls that think they have control over their fertility. You can't get pregnant. Sorry. You're not on 16 and Pregnant whining about how your life will change and you can't go to the mall whenever you want or you baby doesn't have pink Nikes because they are $35. You are also NOT Angelina Jolie that zips on over to Africa to grab the next dimension of the Pitt clan. Nope. You are a working, responsible adult that wants to be a mom. You have extra life insurance (because the state requires it). And your abdomen is frozen with a spider web of adhesions.
Now more than anything, I am just nervous. I don't have a clue what to buy for a new little life and I'm broke anyway so its even more overwhelming. Formula or breast milk from a milk bank ($1 an ounce at 30 ounces a day)? Car seats, cloth or trashy diapers? And then private school. How will I ever work enough to pay for all of these things for a little new life?
Psalm 143:8 "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."
And here is our King, Jesus Christ who keeps begging me to come closer. Trust me, love me. You do not need to worry. (But I can't possibly NOT worry) This verse speaks to me in so many ways. Here we are just on a ferris wheel that takes you up slowly and then stops as others get off, smiling and hugging and maybe even wanting to get on again. That wait seems to feel like ages, because there at the top, you just watch everyone below. You know the ride will end and you will too, one day have a baby that God places in your arms and on your heart.
I know that birth mothers have a tough road. They have to place their child with strangers. A birth mother has to ultimately trust that her child will have the best possible life with this hopeful couple in front of her. And I have to trust too. I can't just say I trust God and I'm a-okay with his plan for me. He doesn't want you to just go through the motions (stand up sit down communion confession ministry). He didn't promise those who follow Him that the ride would be smooth sailing with rainbow kisses.
We all have something that aches our hearts and puzzles our minds. I'm not that different than any other struggling Catholic girl. On the days when waiting is hard, I rejoice in my freedom, my quiet house, my time with friends and my parents that I am ever so thankful to have in my life. I'm praying for the trust my birth mother had when she saw a photo of my parents. Her little girl, had a pretty great childhood.
Psalm 86:2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.
Q &A
Where are you adopting from?
I think people are asking, are you getting a baby from the deep of Africa? Nope. The lovely, extravagant state of Indiana.
Are you adopting an infant?
Most likely yes. It all depends on what the agency presents to us when a birth mother chooses us.
How long will it be to wait?
Forever. The agency almost always places first time parents within 12 months. An average wait time is 9-12 months, but that polar vortex brought in stork reinforcements. So it might be more like 4 months.
