Last October, Jon and I made an appointment at Adoption Support Center in Indianapolis after a suggestion from a friend. We had visited Bethany Christian the previous year but did not completely understand our fertility issues at that time. After visiting that agency and hearing the cost, we learned of a new agency in South Bend, Holy Family Adoption which was significantly less expensive. We started the process with that agency but soon felt it was not the best match for us. Since everyone asks me, I DID call Catholic Charities several times. Unfortunately, this agency has greatly slowed in their adoptions and were very difficult to even get a return phone call. We really like ASC because of their extreme professionalism, honesty and longevity. They are celebrating 28 years as an agency. They work with one attorney and truly understand the market for adoption. They have a support system for you and the birth mother after placement. AND they make a goal to have a baby for you within a year. The cost is still between $20-35,000 for DOMESTIC adoption. Yep. That's a down payment on a house. I get it. That's our agency out there working for us to create our family!
We needed a few more months to get our life in order, figure out my baby oven drama and save some cold hard cash (Thank you all you Norwex lovies!). We chose June in December of last year to start the process. What the bleep?! Its June already. Checkbook in the glove compartment, we headed to Indy at 7 am on Thursday.
Hours were already spent answering a biographical questionnaire and gathering data about our families. Does anyone know the marriage date of their paternal and maternal grandparents? How are your bowel movements? Have you ever _______? Give us your tax returns, letters of recommendation notarized, birth certificate and your MASH results from 5th grade. (If you know what this is, you win a prize)
Friday we get a name tag, a notebook and a comfy spot for the next 12 hours along with 5 other hopeful couples. We meet adoptive parents and hear their story. We meet a birth mother that has also been adopted in 1993 by the agency. She was full of passion for adoption and even wants to work for the agency after college. We took a break for lunch and walked to a restaurant. We were the 5 amigos. all childless, all infertile. Finally! People like us! We shared insensitivities that common folk blurt out at us and how it hurts and then how we smile back and try to be witty. We share our fears about adoption and being "chosen."
A few things struck me at this adoption pow wow: One couple had matching outfits. I don't think they planned it but the husband and wife were both wearing khakis, a blue top and tan boat shoes. EVERY couple but Jon and I had attempted IVF at least once. Even the adoption coordinator. One couple had struggled 11 years with infertility. THREE couples including Jon and I are Catholic. What brought sadness to me was EVERY couple had tried IVF, including the 3 Catholic couples. The biggest fear everyone but Jon and I had was the CONTROL. I was overwhelmed with love from Jesus THE ENTIRE DAY! I love you. Thank you for trusting me, thank you for following me. Two years of trying to conceive, charting and testing. It wasn't fun, it was messy, it was hard. I was angry. I was sad. I was JEALOUS. I was confused. I was a sin box junkie. I prayed for one thing consistently through all of this. Jesus, bring me closer to you. Let me be your humble servant. Give me the grace to trust you and love you through all this pain and confusion. Let the Holy Spirit shine through me so others may see your light, your face and receive your grace. I gave up long ago asking for a pregnancy. It will always lightly sting when I see or hear of others expecting and that's okay. Now instead of sadness, I rejoice for them and thank God for their miracle and hope that they are joyous too!
We all sin. A lot or a little and even again and again. As much as I wanna be perfect (like Mary or Jesus) I'm so not. I have 2 small soap boxes here and then I'm done. #1. As a Christian, as a human being BE PRO LIFE. We can not be a race that kills one another before we even have a chance for greatness or failure. #2. Seek the truth about IVF, especially if you are Catholic. Learn why it isn't God's plan for us. #3. Whoops. Speak positively about adoption. Gossip the shitakke mushrooms out of me. Tell my story. I'm living proof that adoption saved my life, created a family and brought my heart and my husband through this journey.
I thought it might be better to use this as a Q & A format because I get asked these questions repeatedly.
1. Did you try IVF or a surrogate?
Nope. These procedures are not in line with our Catholic faith. And we could try both and have a messy situation or worse yet, no baby.
2. You could still get pregnant. There is hope. My cousin's sister's friend's aunt....
You don't have to say this to me. It isn't comforting and I have accepted infertility as my cross.
3. Once you adopt, you will get pregnant. That always happens!
How about a looksie in my abdomen? It's a hot mess in there. My ovaries ain't got no time for that. Again, you don't have to say this to me or any other couple like us.
4. Are you adopting internationally?
Nope. I've always had my heart set on a little Asian girl, but for so many reasons, it wasn't the best option for us.
5. Good! Because there are sooooooooo many babies here that need good homes.
If you are referring to the foster care system, I called them and they told me they don't have babies. Yes there are children in foster care that need a good family. Unfortunately, that isn't the best for my family right now. Plus, those children internationally have HORRIBLE situations and are usually abandoned. I think its beautiful decision to adopt anywhere in the world.
6. Do you get to choose the sex of your baby?
Nope. Kinda the same as a pregnancy. God will give us the baby we are supposed to have. Our profile is shown to birth mothers and the agency contacts us when a birth mother would like to meet us or a baby fits our profile (fall in your lap happens once a month).
7. How long is the process?
Any time between 9-12 months, but it could be sooner.
8. Does Open Adoption mean co-parenting?
Absolutely not. We share pictures and letters with the birth mother/parents and if they would like, meetings with our child throughout their life. It is important that the birthmother feel confident that her baby is safe and happy. We honor her for choosing us to be parents! A comfortable distance is determined by ourselves and the birthmother.
9. When is the adoption final?
3-4 months after all legal stuff is in order we go to Marion County and the Judgey Poo signs his name that our baby is OURS!
10. Are you going to have a baby shower?
Absolutely! Just after we know our baby is legally ours :)
11. Are you getting a newborn?
We would like a newborn, but sometimes the agency gets sibling groups or babies a little older. We are open to God's plan!
12. I saw a post on Facebook about baby something. Did you get your baby?
Please know that I will shout with JOY and will announce to everyone that we have a baby. You don't need to ask. Sometimes I post photos but trust me, I WILL tell you when its a done deal!
13. How can I help you guys?
Pray for our unknown birthmother! This is a scary and extremely difficult decision for her. Once she chooses us, we still have some time before she gives birth and signs papers. It is possible and legal that she could change her mind. So many women are in the most heart breaking situations. Please pray that Mary intercedes for them and envelops these mommies with her love!
Thank you all for listening! If you have said anything to me in the above questions, I'm not offended. I just want to educate the world about infertility and adoption! Well, really loving Jesus is the bestest :)
Toodles!
ps. Go watch the movie Baby Boom. Its a movie my Mom and I LOVE and watch together.
