Lord, what can I do for you today? Grant me the wisdom to make my choices and my thoughts your will so that I may be blessed with your grace.
That's hard, right? Doing what God wants and not want we want. Yep. I struggle with this prayer pretty much every day. Then a moment strikes me as a drive a million miles in the car. When I let the Holy Spirit guide me, I am so much stronger, so much happier and definitely taking steps to becoming holier.
I'm not a mother. I do not have children. And its a little awkward when people ask, "How many kids do you have?" I want to be truthful but I don't want the confused look that comes afterward or the textbook advice that follows. "Well, you know, option X worked for this girl of a friend I know." Great. As previously stated, I'm not her. I do hope to be a mother one day, but for now, God blesses me with spiritual motherhood and for that I am graciously thankful.
Yesterday, I helped with a junior high retreat from 8:30 in the morning until 10ish in the evening. For the first time in my life, I felt like a mom. The girls asked me to help them with their make up, they came to me with a nose bleed, they had me hold a million things for them (sweatshirts, phones, gloves, socks, snacks) and then they came to me to pray for them. I found myself worrying when we drove in the car. What if someone hits us and they get hurt? What if some crazy stranger corners them in the bathroom? What if another girl says something and hurts their feelings? What if they just feel alone? How am I going to protect them and have answers for them? And then, I just enjoyed being with them. I delighted in seeing them ice skate and have fun and helping others. We were silly and had fun and then we just spent time with Jesus. They opened their hearts and in some ways, Jesus healed mine.
We spent all day strengthening these girls and showing them that they are worth so much more than what they see in a mirror. They are a daughter of the one true King. He loves them and they are ENOUGH, just the way they are, as He does not make mistakes. And then you see yourself and ask, What am I? I'm older and wiser. Yep. Or am I? You realize that you are just like them. Afraid. Broken. Worried about the future and wanting to control so much in our lives. It was just yesterday that I was 12, wasn't it? I was just krimping my hair and waiting to get my braces off. When did I become 35 with a career, husband and a mortgage? I'm still just like them. Still desiring to be loved, accepted and wanted.
I struggle with my wants and God's will and I don't think it may ever get completely easy. I want the chance to be a mother, to be loved by a child and to share the joys and struggles of a child with my husband. I want to experience seeing my parents as grandparents and learning from them so that I can provide my children with love and wisdom. I just want to be worthy of the chance of parenthood.
The ache of infertility dulls over time and my mother says when a baby is placed in my arms through adoption it will fade away. When I see a curly haired little boy, I think, I can't ever have that - a boy that looks like Jon. And then I look at a photo from Christmas 1980 something. My mother and I, same hair cut, same outfit, same smile. Of course I know that I don't need a baby that looks just like me. I'm still learning, still praying for God's beautiful plan to embrace me. And yet maybe, it already has.
