Today marks another step in the fertility process. I went to visit Dr. Parker at St. Joe Fertility Care. He trained under Dr. Hilgers in Omaha at the Pope Paul VI Institute and is also a practicing Catholic. He answered a few questions I had and the journey continues. First, I am still waiting for a surgery date in Omaha. My original paperwork was sent at the end of October. My doctor told me it would be 4 weeks, usually less to hear back from them after they had reviewed my surgery notes and video. So I waited. I didn't hear anything after 4 weeks so I called Omaha. They didn't have my paperwork. Somehow something got lost along the way. So my doctor resent my information. That brings us to another 4 weeks and still no response. I left a message on Monday and have not had a return phone call.
I went to Dr. Parker to see if he could take a look at my blood test and tell me if I had indeed been ovulating. I wanted to see if I could do the ultrasounds that would help determine the timing of ovulation. He explained that I probably need another hyphercation, perhaps two because my charts have not improved. Once I have that, it will help me to determine my peak day which will help with determining ovulation. He also suggested an anti-inflammatory diet: no red meat, no gluten and no dairy. Nice. He'd like to do my Endo surgery, but sadly, he is out of my insurance network.
I love how this office is flooded with photographs of every other couple on the planet that has had a newborn. Babies here, there and everywhere! Thank you for the gentle reminder that I don't have any babies and my body creates a giant web of tissue inside my abdomen every month that continues to prevent conception.
Now for the adoption process. This has been a tough subject in our household. My husband is still in school completing his Bachelor's degree. After several discussions, it was decided that we would wait until June to further pursue adoption. Mainly because we don't have $30,000. He will complete his degree in December 2014. This truly crushed my hope as I had been so excited to start this process.
This Christmas season brought a giant wrecking ball instead of holiday cheer. I usually break out every Christmas decoration I have in my giant tubs in the basement the day after Thanksgiving. I love to decorate for Christmas. It makes my house feel warm and I remember my grandmother at this time of year so fondly. But, I'm still looking at pumpkins and ghosts on the mantle. Somehow I ran out of time or got behind or both or something else. I don't really know. I was also just mad, angry and numb all at the same time. For the first time in my conversion, I felt dark and alone. As though God had left me. I didn't even want to go to mass.
I went on a retreat to a convent of Dominican Sisters in Ann Arbor at the beginning of December. A friend said that it was the best retreat she had been on and that it really helped her through some fertility struggles. I love retreats, even though I have only been on a few. I signed up for it in July and was so excited to attend. When I arrived, I instantly did not want to be there. I was in a strange place and only knew one person and I had no clue what we would be doing on this retreat. I wanted to run away.
The sisters, however are the happiest people I have ever met in my life. They were warm and so kind to everyone. Of course you meet new people and they ask how many kids you have. Zero. I did meet a few women that were having similar struggles. I met other women that had had several miscarriages. Others had one child and were left in confusion as to why they couldn't conceive again. And others had their babies with them. Even more were pregnant. So there I was at this beautiful retreat all cramped with anger.
They gave you a slip of paper on the first day and you were to pray about why this paper chose you. I had Mary, Queen of the Apostles. I still don't know why I was given Mary, Queen of the Apostles. I have some thoughts, but nothing concrete. At the end of the retreat, you could stand in front of everyone and talk about your weekend experience and your Mary paper. While I refrained from this, most women did venture up to the microphone. One beautiful woman said, "I want to feel hope again. I miss that feeling." That struck me and I remember it vividly. I had to leave, however when one woman spoke about her two beautiful boys and her struggles with conceiving after them. She did everything the Catholic way (like it was a bad thing) and still nothing. So she adopted and life was so brilliantly perfect. I was done. I'm so happy life works out splendidly for others. Look! She had babies AND adopted, too! Oh lucky her!
Yes. I had a tantrum. No I really didn't care at that point. I was tired. Really just tired of whatever God's plan was for me. I didn't care if He thought it was great and grand I was beyond tired of waiting, and charting and smiling for those that are expecting, and charting the same mucus day after day. I was losing any ounce of hope I might still have. I wanted to give up on the idea of motherhood. Why should I keep hoping for something that perhaps I needed to accept wasn't going to happen? That is crazy, right? To keep hoping for the impossible?
A good friend told me she was so proud of me because I am a holy woman. I do not feel holy. I feel like a f&5*ing wrecking ball. A big fat failure. Or perhaps like a 5 year old that still isn't getting what she wants.
Fertility is a funny thing. It consumes you. It controls you. It takes over your marriage. It strips you. When we really, really want something today, we go get it. At least we are led to believe we can have anything with a Mastercard and a signature. At the age of 4, I wanted a Snoopy telephone from Tepe's catalog store. My parents thought I was strange. I asked for it for Christmas and my birthday. No phone. So I saved up my money. I bought that Snoopy phone and talked for hours. It was never plugged into a jack. (I might add that my current job leads me to talk on the phone for over 4000 minutes a month) The point is, I wanted something. I worked for it. I GOT IT.
A stranger came up to me at this retreat. I had never met this woman before. She put her arm around me and said, "I have a message for you. Jesus wants you to know that you will get your baby. Sometime after Christmas. He just wants you to desire him more, to be closer to Him." Oh really. How does she know my relationship with Jesus? I pray to be closer to Him every day! I love Jesus! I do!
No you don't. You love a baby right now. That's all you care about. That's all you want. You are letting this consume your life, your marriage, your heart. Let me consume your heart.
So I went to midnight mass with not so much Christmas joy in my heart. I kept wanting it to be over. And then Father John gave a homily that touched me. I realized that it WAS Christmas. Jesus, our king was born. He was and IS our hope. I noticed a girl in the front row dressed as a man. She wasn't singing and kept rolling her eyes. I kept thinking how wonderful it was for her to be there. Did she even know how amazing it is to simply be at mass? I was so happy to just be at mass, in my loving parish home, that I forgot all my stupid selfishness and couldn't stop smiling. What joy came over me!
Sister Joseph told us at the retreat that God put each of us here on Earth for something that only we can do. So simple, yet profound. And I keep thinking that as soon as I know what that one thing is, I will be instantly happy and fulfilled. Because as soon as I know, I will perfect it. (That's as much as I know)
God doesn't ask us to be successful, just faithful. I don't feel like much of either some days. At first glance, my wrecking ball just kept smashing things. My chest even hurt. Then I realized that I needed that wrecking ball to break ME. I may not be a holy woman, but I desire to be. I'm not a mother yet, but I desire to be. As much as I want to abandon this hope, I can not. On that baby gaga wall, I spotted my god daughter, Grace. Every time I see her, I tell her how beautiful she is. As I struggled to get pregnant, my best friend shared as much as she could with me with Grace, her fifth baby. I listened to her heart beat on the monitor that filled the room and saw her come into this world; the miracle that God created.
I still feel like a wrecking ball. But Lent is coming. The perfect time to bring me softly to my knees so that I CAN be closer to Christ. So I can let go of those things I so deeply desire and allow Jesus to show me His plan. He has given me so much already that I tend to forget. I'm so blessed with loving parents, a caring husband and a parish family that accepts me as another gently, broken sinner that I continue to be.
Mary, Queen of the Apostles chose me because I still need to obey. Like the Apostles, I don't know what I'm doing. I just love Jesus Christ and know He is the truth. Being faithful is hard. Being Catholic is hard. But I wouldn't have it any other way.
