This agency heavily promotes open adoption; something I am not familiar with at all. They played a video in which the owner discusses her daughter, Lauren that was adopted in the mid eighties and had a closed adoption. In her later teens she met her birth mother and simply had questions about her life such as eye color, past relationships and the big question of why she chose adoption for her. She said that she finally felt that the hole in her heart was closed simply because she could meet her birth mother and father. She didn't have a strong relationship with her birth parents, but she was able to reach out to them when she felt called.
This really brought a surge of emotions over me. All my life I desired to just meet my birth parents. I wanted to see them. To hear their voices and see whose nose I had. I wanted to see pictures of their lives and learn what they liked to do for fun. I didn't want a replacement parent or another parent, I just wanted to know the two people that came together to give me life. When I turned 21, I attempted to search for my birth mother and after one year my social worker from Catholic Charities called me. She stated that she had finally found her and that unfortunately, she was not ready to meet me. Somehow, a mention of a letter from my birth father was in my file, but I could not have access to it. My next birthday, my father gave me the gift of a petition in court to open my file to read this letter. It was denied. All the rights in Indiana protect the identity of the birth mother. I learned I had no legal right to know these two people. In all my interactions with others when I tell them I am adopted, they ask me the same question, "Have you ever met your birth mother?"
So in this whole adoption journey with Jon and I, we were both at the agreement of a closed adoption. We didn't want to co-parent with anyone. We didn't want our child to be snuggied by a random stranger a few times a year. We wanted this baby to just be ours. What I learned yesterday is that a baby given to us through adoption is a baby given to us by God. These are my own fears that hold me back. I suddenly realized that what if I could give my adopted child the answers to all of my questions? Would I not want this for myself? How could I deny this curiosity that will surely never leave me.
Sometimes when I think about it, it has been nearly 14 years since I searched for my birth mother. I would tell myself every birthday that at least on that day, she and I are thinking of one another together. I would tell myself I have accepted the fact that I will never meet her and I don't need to know where I came from to complete my life in anyway. Well, I lied. I DO want to meet her. I do feel I'm missing out on something. I just don't want to know them, I want them to know me; to see me, to touch me to ask me about my beautiful life, to see my parents and the joy that they gave them. I want them to see that they created a family. I don't want them to be ashamed of anything. I want them to know that they chose a great path not only for me but for themselves. I was raised by a mother and a father and later a step father. I had what every child deserves.
My heart converted once again to something I just wasn't prepared. I know my idea of the perfect family may not be what I receive. Faithfully, it is God's plan and he knows His plan for me far better than what I can only imagine.
I might be lying when I say I'm doing okay or fine or happy that I'm still in the same place as a few months ago. I have a giant spider web growing inside of me that sends a silent signal to my body that says "Do not get pregnant!" and I am still waiting on plans for another surgery. Am I hopeful? Absolutely. Do I know what I'm hoping for? Not really. I just want to be a wife and a mother and joyfully serve Jesus Christ as humbly as I can. Jesus. I trust in YOU.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
So we do not lose heart.
Though our outer self is wasting away,
our inner self is being renewed day by day.
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us
an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,
as we look not to the things that are seen
but to the things that are unseen.
For the things that are seen are transient,
but the things that are unseen are eternal.
