I decided to start a blog to hopefully help others who are struggling to understand their fertility and the current social norms on having babies, getting pregnant, and most importantly how my religion is the center of all my decisions.  First and foremost, I am Catholic.  Not cafeteria Catholic.  Not a twice a year Catholic.  I converted in 2012, with my whole heart and truly have never been happier.  I do not claim to know everything about my faith as I am still a young Catholic, but most eager to learn.  I was not raised Catholic and this can be a challenge sometimes when I explain why I have not and will not partake in certain medical procedures.

The biggest misconception is that we as humans are entitled to babies.  We are not.  Babies are a gift from God, perhaps one of the most rejected gifts He offers us.  While my religion has taught me this, let me state, that I have serious temper tantrums over this, because I really, really, want a child.  I want to be a mother.  I want to have a family.  I want to be a grandmother.  I want.  I want.  I want.

I recently turned 34.  Many say that I have plenty of time.  My husband and I have been married for 4.5 years.  While our road has been joyous and rocky, we foolishly thought we could control this whole baby thing.  We thought we could control so many things about our lives.

So, to start at the beginning, when we first stopped using contraception (before my conversion) I naively thought, hold on!  Conception will happen!  Get ready for baby!  Ready.  Set.  GO!  Or maybe not so fast.  I tracked my cycles with an ipad app.  Nothing happened for months.  My doctor said I was fine, though no testing was ever done.  "We like to wait a year after marriage to start the tests," she told me.  Meanwhile, friends have babies.  Friends have second babies.  Movie stars have babies.  We wait.

Then I attended a Christ Renews His Parish retreat and my life completely changed.  A new friend suggested I try Natural Family Planning (NFP).  The Creighton Model to be exact.  NOT the Rhythm Method, which is NOT effective and NOT based on SCIENCE.  The Creighton Model is absolutely based on science.  My husband and I go to an intro session at a local Catholic grade school.  Admist little chairs and the smell of old socks we learned more about conception and my body than ever before.  Let's start charting!

Creighton uses a woman's cervical mucus to identify her fertility.  It works. However, it is user dependent.   I get frustrated with it, but I believe in my heart it is the best thing for me.  Every time before and after I go to the bathroom I take a strip of toilet paper and examine what I see and feel.  Then I record this on a chart and place colored stickers to identify peak days (right before ovulation) and everything before and after.  Save the yucky comments, as it really isn't all that bad.

In November, I met Suzy Younger who in a few visits, gave me great hope.  She prays with us and is more than just a practitioner.   She is simply amazing and a gift from God Himself.  Several of my friends were also practicing this model.  Some were trying to conceive, others were trying to avoid pregnancy.  The most important thing about NFP is that it allows you to accept your fertility and that of your spouse.  You are not rejecting each other!  Suzy gives talks in the area and helps educate everyone on NFP, NaPro technology and our faith.  St. Joseph Fertility Care is truly a blessing to have in this area.

In January, Suzy suggested we see a doctor to discuss my chart as we were not conceiving.  She gave me the number for Dr. Stroud, an ObGyn that recently converted his practice to align entirely with Catholic teaching.  Words simply can't describe how amazing this man is!  We saw him in February in an office that made me feel safe and comfortable.  He spent two hours with us.  He examined me and took blood samples.  He instilled both of us with an overwhelming sense of hope.

My first issue was my super prominent cervical eversion.  Yup.  What should look like a circle actually is the shape of a U.  This causes the body to produce additional mucus for protection of the cervix that is exposed.  Let me rewind a bit.  For contraception to happen, sperm must have a clear pathway with good mucus to help them swim upward.   The extra mucus my cervix was creating was not helping sperm make their merry way to the tiny golden egg.  Some women will have this condition after having several children.  Not me!  I had a record eversion that I was simply born with.  We attempted to correct this with medication.

My blood tests showed normal hormonal levels and had shown ovulation.  Two good things.  So, we return to charting.  Sex and charting.  Every month, my cycle started again.  After two years of trying, which I know doesn't sound really all that long, I stopped crying every month when my period started.

I prayed to have a child.   I prayed to Mary.  I prayed to St. Giana.  I went to confession and poured my heart out that I am jealous of those 16 year old pregnant girls registering at Target for baby cribs and onesies.  I'm angry that God doesn't see me worthy of motherhood.  Then I am ashamed that I'm the crazy mean lady at Target that glares at those 16 year olds.

Every night at dinner, my husband leads the prayer and he prays for us to have a little buddy.  Our friends pray for us and keep us in their hearts.  Our priest, the most humble Father Dan, guides me in my spiritual life.  "You are being called to motherhood in our parish in so many ways.  God isn't finished with you..."  (He's on his way to sainthood by the way)

I have so much more to fill in between the lines.  But at this moment, I am most in awe of the Holy Spirit because through all of this He has brought us through this journey with love, patience and gratitude.  After we met with Suzy last week for a chart update appointment, she told us of a new adoption agency in town.

Right next to the abortion clinic sits a building in transformation.  An adoration chapel.  Right for Life.  Counseling.  And now an adoption agency.  They are very small and from Minnesota.  They adopt only to couples that will raise the child Catholic.  They adopt babies saved from abortion.  I send an email to the agency expressing interest for information on their process.  A few days later, a woman calls me.  She was worried about finding potential parents.  We spoke for over 40 minutes and I knew this was the next step in our journey.

I told this woman about my sins of jealousy and she said something so remarkable to me.  She mentioned a time when she was struggling with something and her priest said to her to pray in adoration.  When we struggle with not getting what we so desperately want, Jesus is calling to us, "Am I not enough for you?"

I no longer believe that God finds me unworthy of motherhood.  His plan for me is better than my own.  He has great plans for me.  Jesus IS enough for me and without Him, I am nothing.

Beyond all of our struggles and being surrounded by everyone pregnant but me (or so it seems) I try to best explain my faith and why I simply don't believe in certain procedures.  Here is something Suzy greatly helped me with.  Because several people tell me daily that having a baby today has become easier with so many options, or to just stop thinking about it and it will happen.

"Thank you so much for your kind offer. It means a lot to know that you care and would be willing to do that for me.  However, we very much want that any child we conceive be brought into being through the marital embrace without a third party involved.  This is in keeping with our faith and our personal beliefs.  We will do anything we can to heal/restore our health and to assist the marital act, but we will not do anything that replaces it. With this in mind, we will not be pursuing options such as IVF, surrogacy, donors, IUIs, GIFT, etc.  But I do want to tell you that we've found a fantastic options.  It's called NaProTechnology and the success rates are up to 80% in the first year, which is nearly three times more effective than IVF.  We are very hopeful and excited.  So, as I said in the beginning, THANK YOU so much for being so kind and for reaching out to me.  It really means a lot.  And as far as helping...please keep us in your prayers as well as those that are providing our medical care.  P.S.  If you want to learn more about Catholic teaching on this, there is a great document called Life-Giving Love in the Age of Technology.  Blessings!"

Our next step in this journey has brought me to a possible procedure to either rule out or treat endometriosis.  We have an appointment with the adoption agency next week.  Keep in mind, our lives have to be dissected, our home examined and our potential for parenthood approved by a stranger.  At every moment, we are at someone else's mercy.  And quite possibly, I sincerely hope we are the answer to a young birth mother's prayers.